ADHD & the “Right” Way to Parent with Climbing the Walls Host Danielle Elliott

In this episode, I sit down with Danielle Elliott—science and health journalist, documentarian, and host of the podcast Climbing the Walls, which explores the surge in ADHD diagnoses among women. Danielle shares her personal journey of receiving an ADHD diagnosis and navigating pregnancy as a single mom by choice, offering a refreshingly honest perspective on how ADHD uniquely shapes her experiences and decisions.

We dive deep into the intersections of ADHD, hormones, anxiety, perfectionism, and motherhood. Danielle reflects on the expectations society places on women—especially moms—and how she’s redefining what it means to prepare for parenthood on her own terms. 

Danielle Elliot is a science and health journalist, podcast producer and documentarian. Her most recent series, Climbing The Walls, asks why so many women are being diagnosed with ADHD. It reached No. 8 on the Apple podcast charts.

Episode Highlights:

[0:59] - Meet Danielle Elliott: Journalist, podcaster, and newly pregnant mom navigating ADHD
 [3:00] - The motivation to understand ADHD before becoming a parent
 [6:26] - Hormones, IVF, and how ADHD symptoms shift during pregnancy
 [9:08] - What Danielle learned from creating Climbing the Walls and interviewing ADHD moms
[11:50] - Strategies to tune out external expectations during pregnancy
[14:03] - Ditching the smartphone for a Light Phone to stay present with her baby
[16:43] - Reducing postpartum anxiety by preparing early and mindfully
[18:40] - Emotional dysregulation, anticipatory anxiety, and the importance of therapy
[21:57] - Seeking postpartum ADHD support and community resources
[23:15] - Over-preparing with love: labeled bins, frozen meals, and realistic expectations
[27:29] - Building a strong support system of family and friends
[32:01] - Setting boundaries with loved ones and advocating for postpartum needs
[38:44] - Danielle’s top advice for moms-to-be with ADHD: let go of the pressure and follow what works for you

Links and Resources:

·         Listen to Danielle’s podcast: Climbing the Walls on Understood.org

·         Follow Danielle on Instagram: @danielle.elliott

Thank you for tuning into "SuccessFULL with ADHD." If this episode has impacted you, remember to rate, follow, share, and review our podcast. Your support helps us reach and help more individuals navigating their journeys with ADHD.

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Transcript

Danielle Elliott: 0:00

Oh, and I should say, one other physical item too to manage the anxiety. This goes hand in hand, but I wrote a story years ago that was about nest cameras, like the home cameras, and without fail, every scientist I spoke to said that these cameras do not decrease anxiety. They increase anxiety because it used to be that when you left your house, you had to have some trust that either your neighbors had an eye on your house, like if you were on vacation, you were on vacation, you were not checking on every little noise that was happening at your house at the same time. And so I took that to heart, and I got a baby monitor that will only work within my apartment, so if my mom is here for the night to watch the baby. I'm not going to be checking in because it's not available on my phone, right? Like I have been trying all of those things. I'm reading up on all of the modern technology that is, like said, to make our lives easier, but actually is increasing anxiety, and I'm trying to eliminate it from my life as much as I can.

Brooke Schnittman: 0:59

Welcome to successful with ADHD. I'm Brooke schnittman, let's get started. Hi everyone, and welcome to another episode of successful with ADHD today. I have Danielle Elliott, who's the host of climbing the walls, and she's a science and health journalist, Podcast Producer and documentarian. Her most recent series, climbing the walls asks why so many women are being diagnosed with ADHD, and it reached number eight on the Apple podcast charts. That's so

Danielle Elliott: 1:26

exciting. Thank you. Yeah, it was amazing to see. Yeah. Thank you for having

Brooke Schnittman: 1:31

me absolutely. And so I first met Danielle, for those of you who don't know, because you had reached out to me initially, because you had a new ADHD diagnosis, and we talked when you were looking to get climbing the walls together, because you were it was the infancy stages and trying to put the pieces together to help support women with new diagnoses.

Danielle Elliott: 1:53

Yeah, and it was actually one of your media appearances that helped me think through the questions that I had been kind of that had kind of been percolating for myself, the why women, why now? Um, and your responses on that. So the show actually opens with a clip from one of your appearances. So that's awesome. Right off the bat, you're in

Brooke Schnittman: 2:13

the show, that's awesome. And since then, since getting your diagnosis, now, people might not be able to tell from how you're sitting, but you are fully pregnant, not just a little pregnant. You are fully pregnant,

Danielle Elliott: 2:29

yeah, not just a little bit. I am seven and a half months, yeah. So I'm getting

Brooke Schnittman: 2:34

Yes, yes, yeah. And just like people say you're not kind of pregnant, you're not kind of ADHD. So how has this awakening of knowing you have ADHD and now being able to, like pretty much be almost completed with your pregnancy journey, managing yourself, managing a baby coming.

Danielle Elliott: 3:00

It's been a it's, I mean, you know, I feel like I use the word journey too much, but it's been a journey. Because I think initially with the diagnosis, I knew that I really wanted to have children someday, but I wanted to figure out ADHD and parenting as much as I could, or at least understand myself and my ADHD and how it shows up in my life before becoming a parent, because it felt like I didn't know it before I started a career. I didn't know it before I was starting dating or throughout dating, and it just felt like I had read somewhere that career, relationships and parenting are the hardest parts of ADHD for women, or it's where women tend to feel a lot of struggle. And so I thought, well, I it's a little bit late for the other two, but I could learn things about parenting before I step into that so. And I think it actually, you know, I think, as any of us with ADHD know, it sort of helped me have this extra motivation to really stay focused on trying to understand it and how it shows up in parenting. But fast forward to last fall. Was when I was writing the final episode of climbing the walls, which is all about hormones and ADHD, specifically female hormones and ADHD. And I didn't tell anyone else on the production team, but I was going through IVF as I was writing that episode, so I knew that I was taking shots that were completely changing my hormones. And there were days where I was just so aware of, oh, this is what the science says about why my hormones are this way, in an interesting way. I think the beginning of the pregnancy, I actually felt less of my ADHD symptoms than I normally do. And when you look at the combinations of hormones and what's spiking when I can kind of see why that is. But as I hit the sort of border between the second and third trimester, and I'm now fully in my third trimester, I got hit with pregnancy brain, as they say, in a way that I don't like using this term, but I'm like. You know, sometimes we say things colloquially, but I'm like, my most ADHD I've ever been. Yeah, I think, you know, I can feel it. It's even any of the things that I can normally do to get myself to overcome some of the symptoms. And what I mean by that is, I have spent more time thinking I really deserve a nap in the middle of the day, or, Yes, I know I have a deadline tonight, but I am gonna just hang out on the couch for a couple of hours in the middle of the day, in a way that typically, deadlines help motivate me and keep me focused, and deadlines have no chance against pregnancy hormones and my ADHD right now, totally just like a whole nother world, yes, yeah. And even just yeah, like all of the feelings of the other element of all of this that I don't, I think that we've talked about, but is that I don't have a partner, so I chose to do this as the term is single mom by choice. But in the second trimester, I thought, well, I don't have a newborn right now, I don't have the anxiety that comes with IVF, like, maybe I'll just go on a few dates. And what I learned is that rejection, sensitivity and pregnancy really, really don't they do not go well. So, yeah, I feel like I've learned a lot about ADHD and pregnancy, and it's helped me think through ADHD and parenting even more and just prepping for that as best I can.

Brooke Schnittman: 6:26

You know, you hit on a lot of things. And similarly to you, my first trimester, although I was sick, you know, nauseous, I did feel more energy and less ADHD symptoms compared to the second and third trimester, even though I wasn't nauseous those trimesters. So it's so interesting with hormones and ADHD, I just commend you, because your ADHD diagnosis was a year ago, maybe a little bit more than that at this point,

Danielle Elliott: 6:53

it was actually about three years ago, so,

Brooke Schnittman: 6:57

and then you got pregnant seven and a half months ago, so you didn't really have that much time to like, you know, manage your symptoms, understand everything, before jumping into pregnancy. And so many people feel like, well, I have to get knee perfect first, right, and then I can manage a family. But, you know, I love, I love that you just kind of, you took everything in and you jumped right into it, which is, of course, another ADHD.

Danielle Elliott: 7:26

It was really like, yeah, of course, I was almost like, I wanted to be able to jump in faster, if I could have, like, in a funny way. But yeah, I think I, I was thinking a lot about wanting to get me right first, and then I also would, kind of, I started to counter that with if I take too long, like, I turned 40 this last month or two months ago at this point. So there was that, like, fear of biological clocks weighing on me too. So then I kind of had that moment that I think maybe a lot of people with ADHD have where it's like, Yes, I wanted to get myself perfectly prepared, but then I also sort of looked back and said, Well, I have 40 years of evidence that even if I am not perfectly prepared, things go okay. They might not seem okay to the outside world, but they go okay for me. So ultimately, I'm gonna parent how I've lived my life, you know, like I'm gonna be myself. I'm not gonna suddenly become a different person. I'm a lot more self aware, and I can kind of interrupt certain things that I do, but ultimately, I'm still me with or without, you know, even with the diagnosis. So I think that helped ease the perfectionism a little bit for me say it's kind of now or never, right, yeah, like, you have to do it,

Brooke Schnittman: 8:48

and I feel like, and I don't want to project here, but like doing climbing with the walls as a passion project, and helped you learn So much about ADHD, which I'm sure helped you gain tools and understanding through this pregnancy as well.

Danielle Elliott: 9:08

Yeah, it helped me learn so much. And I think you know, in episode two, I speak with sari Solden, who was one of the kind of original, if not the original, voice on women, the ways that ADHD shows up for women, and talking, speaking with her, talking about the impact of expectations on women with ADHD, and thinking about, you know, my own expectations on what I wanted to be, how I wanted to be as a mom, and then also just kind of societal expectations. And I had a lot of conversations with sari about kind of quieting those expectations and doing what felt right for me. And, you know, having the courage, I guess you could say, to not do things the way that people expect you to do them, and how hard that can be in parenting, because a lot of people have a lot of opinions. And, you know, I think anyone who's been pregnant has seen that. A lot of people have a lot of opinions about the proper way to be pregnant, and then you add social media to that, and there's a constant flood of people who are trying to tell you, you're doing a lot of things wrong, and a lot of them are trying to sell products. So I get it like, you know, I've seen some things recently where I'm like, Oh no, I can't meet that expectation. Like, if you try to live up to expectations, you're gonna go a little bit nuts. I think so. I had the process of making climbing the walls meant that I spoke to many moms with ADHD and had a chance to, you know, there was another episode, Episode Five, where I'm at a camp for families with ADHD, speaking to many of the moms were there to learn more about parenting with ADHD, but so many of them had recently been diagnosed, and the conversations that we had, we were there for a week and just hanging out with each other the entire week, so I learned a lot about things that they've faced at different stages of parenting. So, yeah, I think I it was a tremendous time for me to be learning that much more about ADHD and just thinking about things.

Brooke Schnittman: 11:11

Yeah, you'll definitely get lots of opinions, and it's so fascinating that you were able to manage that expectation. ADHD or not, right. Your opinions are like, You know what? Everyone has them, right. So the saying, so I'm just curious on what some of those strategies were to quiet the noise, because pregnancy is so overwhelming to begin with. How do you separate what you want to pay attention to and what you feel is important to attend to while pregnant?

Danielle Elliott: 11:50

It's a really, really good question, and I don't know that I have a specific strategy, but I know that for me, like the conversations with some of the moms at camp, hearing what continues to stress them out, made me think that's going to be an area of parenting that I try not to pay attention to the other parents for what they're doing. And I think the conversations with sari really helped me think about comparison culture in general, and what Sarah calls brain shame, she says that it's similar to what she notices in the 90s, but she said women with ADHD will feel a lot of brain shame, and compared it to the way that women compare their bodies to each other. So like body shaming, with brain shame, it tends to be, oh, I can't keep up. I can't keep up. So I think for me, I and you know, this is all intentions right now. We'll see how it goes when I'm in it, but trying to just kind of like consistently check in with what I want to be doing, what I think will be the right way to do things, as opposed to what has to be done to keep up with all of the other parents. And I also, I think that one strategy that has served me well throughout my life, but is definitely ADHD and maybe not recommended. As soon as I know I need to get something done, I try to get it done immediately, because otherwise it'll sort of fall off of my radar. And what I where I'm going with this one is, you know, I'm getting a little bit bored in pregnancy. That's actually been one of the most difficult parts of pregnancy for me, but I think it's because I spent the first trimester getting everything I needed, and everyone says you should wait until the third but I live in a fourth floor. Walk up and I'm by myself, but I wanted to carry it up before I was extremely pregnant. I've already set everything up in my apartment, so I'm kind of walking around. Your brain is scary. I want to go outside, but I my brain is scanning, but all of that prep is sort of, I think, one of the ways in which I've adjusted to my ADHD over the years, just like realizing that after years and years of things accidentally falling off my radar, you realize I need to come up with a way to get around this. So I forget what your original question was. This is my ADHD.

Brooke Schnittman: 13:57

I don't remember it either. So here we are.

Unknown: 14:00

Let's move on. Oh,

Danielle Elliott: 14:03

it was strategies for dealing with the expectations. I think my current strategy is just, oh, actually, the I mean, the number one thing that I decided to do for myself was I just purchased a phone that's not a smartphone, and my plan is that, like my smartphone can be at home almost the way, like a landline used to be. And when I'm out in the world, I plan on only using this light phone. And I saw that recommended by someone with ADHD, and I was like, You know what? It's time it has maps, it has a camera and it has column text, and that's it. And so I'm like, when I'm out in the world with a newborn, I want to be present for the newborn. And you know, I think with my ADHD, as much as we're overwhelmed by other people's expectations, I'm also so observant, and I'm watching what I see, like how I see people interacting with their children, or how I see people parenting in the world, and not even people that I know I'm. Kind of observing everyone. And there's things that I've seen that I'm like, oh, I want to find ways now to help myself get around that so that I'm not reacting in the moment, you know. And this decision to buy the light phone was an awareness that sometimes when I'm overwhelmed, I want to retreat into my phone and just do something like Doom scrolling or something, and I want to take those options away for myself so that I'm attentive to my child as much as I can.

Brooke Schnittman: 15:29

So it's called the light phone, because I'm sure a lot of us listen, it's called the light are interested, okay, light phone, for those of you listening, that has maps call and text, it's not a flip phone.

Danielle Elliott: 15:41

It's not a flip phone, and they just added a camera. So there's a version that's, I think, like version one does not have a camera. Version two has a camera that can't be there's no adjustments you can make to it. It's like an old point and shoot, okay? But it does mean that if you want to snap a picture while you're out you still have a camera on you.

Brooke Schnittman: 16:02

Amazing. I love that also. I'm sure it's great for kids who are getting into cell phones as well. Wonderful, absolutely. So I know it's no surprise that with ADHD, women are at higher risk of postpartum depression than women without ADHD and with ADHD comes anxiety, whether it's an anxiety disorder or anxiety that is just manifested by the ADHD symptoms. How are you managing that anxiety? You mentioned the fact that you've prepared yourself by looking, observing and also getting physical items for the baby already.

Danielle Elliott: 16:43

Oh, and I should say, one other physical item too, to manage the anxiety. This goes hand in hand, but I wrote a story years ago that was about nest cameras, like the home cameras, and without fail, every scientist I spoke to said that these cameras do not decrease anxiety. They increase anxiety because it used to be that when you left your house, you had to have some trust that either your neighbors had an eye on your house, like if you were on vacation, you were on vacation, you were not checking on every little noise that was happening at your house at the same time. And so I took that to heart, and I got a baby monitor that will only work within my apartment, so if my mom is here for the night to watch the baby, I'm not checking in because it's not available on my phone, right? Like I have been trying all of those things. So I'm reading up on all of the modern technology that actually is, like said, to make our lives easier, but actually is increasing anxiety, and I'm trying to eliminate it from my life as much as I can. This has been sort of like one of my goals for the last two years is that wherever I am, I want to be there. I don't want to be able to look at my phone and immediately be somewhere else, right? So, yeah, so sort of in the same line with that and any other mom, like any of my friends who are moms, I will give a shout out to my cousin is the one who recommended this monitor. And every other friend has been like, no, no, no, no, you need the one. And there's a certain brand that they all say, and I'm like, I don't want it. Like, I just, I don't, yeah, but So managing the anxiety has been a lot of of that, reading up, you know what actually heightens anxiety, and trying to cut into that before it happens. I am extremely lucky in that I have a mom who has no anxiety, and I think I grew up like not really experiencing too much anxiety.

Brooke Schnittman: 18:37

Come on, no anxiety.

Danielle Elliott: 18:40

She does not have anxiety. It's the crazy. It's really, really bizarre, but my dad makes up for it. But I tend to have more, like, I was actually just joking with a friend about this yesterday, that I have more existential dread, as opposed to acute anxiety, than anticipatory Yeah, and just thinking about, like, the long term things like, some of my anxiety points there have been like, how is this child gonna feel about only having one parent from the get go? You know, like, all of these, like, bigger things, and then that has been interesting to try to manage, because that makes me emotional thinking about and then, like, emotional dysregulation and ADHD, like, we all know some of that. So I started seeing a therapist again. That's one strategy I actually my OB. This is something that everyone might be interested in. At my first appointment, my OB said, Okay, I see ADHD in your chart. I'm writing you a referral for therapy. I want you to have an ongoing relationship with a therapist and a psychiatrist before you give birth. Because this is not something we're going to try and figure out while you're postpartum. She was like, she also mentioned to me that, and this is not backed by data. This is one OBS observation, but she said that the majority of patients she sees who develop postpartum depression and heightened. As part of anxiety it has, it tends to start with they have an incredibly clear birth plan, and if the birth plan doesn't go according to plan, it sets them off. And she said, and she said that might actually be like a chicken and egg type question. Is it that someone who comes in with an extremely specific plan is someone who might have a hard time letting go of control in many ways, who already has anxiety. I've also been looking, yeah, already has anxiety and is prone to it, so yeah, I sort of feel like I try to manage my anxiety by not having plans. Like I said to her that day is my birth plan is to leave the hospital with a baby, you know, like that is my plan. Whatever happens happens, but I have a little bit more of a plan on that. But, yeah, I think that managing it all is kind of just like a day by day. The last month and a half or so of the pregnancy, I've had a lot more emotions and some anxiety, but the anxiety seems to be showing up in dreams and nightmares like anything I've been worried about even once in the last 10 years has shown up in a dream in the last two months. And so that's a bizarre part of it all. But yeah, there's so many strange, strange things in making climbing the walls. I spoke with the head of the Duke center for girls and women with ADHD, or it might be called the Center for girls and women with ADHD at Duke. I forget what the specific order of the name is, but she mentioned that Duke has partnered with a nonprofit in North Carolina that runs, they run general Postpartum Support groups, and the Duke center for girls and women with ADHD partnered with them to create the first postpartum ADHD support group. So a very specific cohort I've been looking into, like, making sure that I'm on that list and in that group. So I'm doing some of those other things where I'm just, like, trying to anticipate needs and meet them before, because I I'm cooking a ton of food and freezing it, you know, I'm doing all of those things, like anything I can do to prep, to try and avoid some of the postpartum challenges that I know.

Brooke Schnittman: 22:08

So just like postpartum and pregnancy and ADHD can feel very isolating, right? So to find your people like Dr Hallowell says ADHD ers need that vitamin connect the vitamin C with other people, so you feel less alone. I love that they have that I remember after my pregnancy to manage my anxiety. To our hospital that I gave birth at was offering free support groups on Zoom and so you could go at any point after postpartum and just hop in, listen, share some questions, get support from a social worker, and it was totally free. That might be something available to you as well. And I also to manage the unexpected, because I have anticipatory anxiety. I bought the book What to expect in your first year so I didn't have to know everything. I could just look my first month and be like, Okay, what is my daughter supposed to be doing right now? Is she doing this? Am I doing this? Great. Okay, I'm stuck in this time, and then next month I'll read the second part.

Danielle Elliott: 23:15

No, that's genius, because that's and you're reminding me that that's even with like, as people have been. I mean, the hand me downs, I think, especially when you live in a place where everyone has no space, right? Like I live in Brooklyn, so the moment someone's child is done with something, they're like, who wants it to store it exactly? So I'm just like, collecting all of this stuff. But I have been like, every time someone gives me any sort of toy. I look up what's appropriate age range, and I have buckets in one of my closets. I'm lucky to have a lot of closet space, and I have buckets that are marked I bought a label maker. It says, like, three to six months. And I'm just like, the toys are already sorted by developmental stages. Because I just, I just keep assuming that I'm going to be overwhelmed once the baby's here. Like, what can I do? But yeah, all the anticipatory. So I might say I don't have anxiety. I think I have plenty of anxiety, but I'm like, I want to make sure they're getting the right developmental stage toys, but I don't want to be looking it up with you know, my luck, I would say, Okay, what should they have at six months? And I'll find out they've been playing with a 12 month toy that month toy that

Unknown: 24:23

was dance. Who knows? Yeah, and it would be fine.

Brooke Schnittman: 24:30

Hey, my daughter's three and a half, and, like, you could put her in a cardboard box and she'd be very happy.

Danielle Elliott: 24:38

I really, I even remember that, right? Yeah. It's like the simplest things like, I remember with my little cousins. I was in high school when they were born, but I remember how much they loved, yeah, building forts out of cardboard, exactly like so I keep reminding myself of that too, because I think financial anxiety is one of the big things that comes up for me, hence, trying to gather everything I can now, so I'm not just. Like putting it on a credit card, putting it on, you know, like, not just constantly buying, yeah. I just keep reminding myself that kids can make anything a toy. So, like, some of the pressures that are, like, you need this toy subscription, or you need this or you need that, I'm like books and cardboard boxes and this baby with

Unknown: 25:20

Yes, exactly,

Brooke Schnittman: 25:22

yeah, yes. That rejection, sensitive dysphoria and the perfectionism of not thinking that you're ever going to do it good enough. I love that advice that you received of, you know, the the brain shame and just knowing that, like what you're doing is enough. And you know what a b minus might not feel great, but really, what, what at what cost is an A plus,

Danielle Elliott: 25:44

right? Exactly. And like, it only has to be enough for you, right? Like, it has to be and, I mean, you'll know if it's not enough, I think for the child, I guess, as I'm saying that I'm, like, actually, I guess it's not true, it also has to be enough for the child. But like, I'm okay with my with the fact that I'm stepping into a point in life where a kid I'll have expectations, right? But, yeah, it's like being enough for everyone else is exhausting. And I've always, like my motto, I think, since even right before I was diagnosed, like, interestingly, actually about, probably about six months before I was diagnosed, or three months or so I was going through a breakup, and like the My motto became just like, enough is enough, like I'm doing enough. This isn't like, I just kind of, I just kept repeating that to myself, not in the sense of like, enough is enough, like I'm done more of just like, this is enough and that's okay. Like, yeah, I'm enough, and this isn't Yeah. It's just like, constantly reminding myself I have little post its that were on my walls for I've moved since, but for a while I had it posted on my wall. It was like, just take the rejection. You'll be fine. Like, you'll move on, you know? But just like, little reminders that they can interrupt a thought process because they catch your eye, and then you're like, Oh yeah, no, I'm gonna be fine. I've, like, been through all of this, so I don't know. Maybe I'll put more posters on my walls with the baby.

Unknown: 27:03

I'll get through this screaming stage.

Danielle Elliott: 27:07

Exactly a few of my friends, my friends, had a shower for me over the weekend and multiple card, any card that was written by current like someone who is a parent, like they seem to include, just remember, everything's a phase. And I'm like, Yeah, I think that'll be helpful too. It's like, you can get through anything. We've all gotten through a lot, you know, by our 40s. So when you

Brooke Schnittman: 27:29

and I spoke earlier, you had mentioned that you do have a support system with your parents, and we know how important that is. When managing a a child. You can't do it alone like you might. You can be a single parent, yes, but you need help to help yourself, yes.

Danielle Elliott: 27:49

And I am incredibly lucky, like I, you know, I don't have a partner, but I have so many friends, I would say, like eight or 10 friends who are all, like, lined up to be, you know, they all joke that they're being there. Yeah, exactly. And, and some of my guy friends who are like, please make sure I'm on the list for babysitting, like, I want to be in this kid's life. So I think that, you know, it's like, yeah, I don't have a partner, but I have this, like, very full life, full of people who love me and are excited to love this baby. So support network wise, and my sister called me last week and was like, we haven't talked about your birth, like, what you plan on doing, but if you want someone there, I want to be there. And she lives in Texas, so this was like, and she's like, Okay, I'm gonna come in. She's like, No matter what, I'm coming for two weeks after the baby's born. Because you might say you don't need anyone, but you need someone you know, she's like, I'm coming, yeah. And then she's like, and if you want someone at the hospital with you, and I was like, and I don't know if this is ADHD related at all, but I do want someone at the hospital with me. I think I've been noticing that masking shows up, like in something that's like, that personal of a moment. I've been like, no, even my closest friends. I don't think I necessarily want them in the room. But then when my sister said she would come, I was like, Great, I'll pay for your flight. Like, when are you coming? Like, she can be in the hospital room with me. But I haven't been able to figure out if that's like a masking thing. I think

Brooke Schnittman: 29:15

it's also knowing, like the now or not now, right? So the like not being the temporal processing, so not being able to know what you're going to need or want, or what it's going to feel like then, but then when you get very close to the date, you're like, oh, wait a second, I need this, right? So having someone who already puts themselves out there and just accepting that help gives you that that like key into the future where you wouldn't have thought about that.

Unknown: 29:45

Yeah,

Danielle Elliott: 29:46

that makes so much sense. I haven't had the words for it, but I and then also even the being able to be like my sister is probably the person I can be my most authentic self around like there are no matter. Masks whatsoever. We shared a room our entire lives, you know, like we lived together when we first moved to the city, like there's no masking that happens, like even slightly when I'm around her. So I think it's that I've never heard, like what you were just saying makes so much sense to me. And then, yeah, I think it's that, coupled with the I haven't wanted to be worried about how anybody will think I'm acting, you know, in that moment, like I'm just like, and I even joked with her. I was like, let's be honest, I can be kind of awful when I'm in pain. And she's like, Yeah, you can be but like, that's a thing where it's like, you would still be like, you know, just like, and it's okay for her and it's okay, yeah, whereas, like, around certain like, and my friends have been like, not pressuring me at all, but they're like, Danielle, you you need us to be there. Like, we're gonna be there. We're not worried about being there. But I've been like, I don't know. I don't know. So anyway, when my sister and then it's so funny, because even when my sister, I think I wanted her to offer and then she did like, I didn't want to call and say, will you come? But once she offered, it was like, Okay, great. And now I'm going to send you the list of all the food that I do want you to make for me in the two weeks after it became like that, she opened the floodgates. Yeah, so accepting that help is is very important.

Brooke Schnittman: 31:17

Accepting that help from people who accept you for you, and doesn't trigger your nervous system Right

Danielle Elliott: 31:25

exactly. And also like to be able to get that help from someone who you don't have to explain yourself to at all. She just knows exactly what I like to eat like, there's just, like, No, you know what I mean? There's just, there's no learning curve at all. So support system wise, I'm very lucky. And then, you know, my mom cannot understand why I'm not moving back to New Jersey to raise this baby, like, right by her, yeah, you know, exactly,

Unknown: 31:48

like she's I

Danielle Elliott: 31:49

started talking about daycare, and she was like, What? What? I could not believe that I don't plan on using her being the primary care too.

Unknown: 31:59

Yeah, exactly. But I think that brings up a good

Brooke Schnittman: 32:01

point. I think that family can try to step in because they think that's what you need, or you know that's how they can help. And setting those boundaries, you might not even know what those boundaries are right away, right? It might be accumulated boundaries, and you feel them over time, but setting those boundaries are so important, not only for your own mental health, but visitation and all of that.

Danielle Elliott: 32:29

And it's so funny to it's so funny to try to figure out, what is the like anticipatory anxiety coming up with, like boundaries that I'm trying to set already, versus what will I actually need and like, Can I wait until the baby's here to then be like, Oh, no, we need to reverse course, or we need to change course with the boundaries. It's funny to see how parents adjust to kids or adult children. I guess you could say with ADHD, because my dad, like my mom called him, was like, so you want me in the hospital room with you, right? And I was like, No. And like, having to say no to her felt kind of, I felt mean, but I was like, I have to keep this boundary. Whereas my dad was like, I know you're extremely independent, but have you thought about like, how you want to get to the hospital? Like, do you want us to come stay with you as your due dates approach? Like he approached it in a different way, more so, like, there's an offer for help, and like, it's up to you. If you say yes, I want that.

Brooke Schnittman: 33:21

The biggest help after having the baby is when visitors want to come. Say, Okay, great, you can come and I'm going to go take a nap and you can watch the kit.

Danielle Elliott: 33:34

To my mom the other day, I was like, so let's talk about this. If you want to come and stay with me for a couple weeks when the baby's born, like, I love my mom. Absolutely love her. She does not cook, she doesn't clean, she doesn't do any of those things. My dad does all of that. So bring her family. So So I was like, So what are you going to cook for me? And then we even brought up, you know, I think a neighbor was there, was asking if I plan on nursing? And I was like, Well, definitely a combination, at least, because if someone's there to help with night feedings, I want them to be able to give the baby a bottle. And my mom was like, Oh, I don't do all that sterilizing stuff like nursing, just makes more sense. And I finally looked at her, and I was like, so when you say come and help, do you mean you want to come to Brooklyn and hold a baby, right for hours? But like that? Because I was like, because to me, I want someone who's going to come and help take care of me. And even saying that out loud has been as funny. Like, it's just like, not how our family does, you know, like, it's like, expressing that I also have needs is not typically part of like, how the conversation would go with our family. But then once my sister, it's so funny, too, though, to recognize family dynamics, like, once my sister said she was coming, I was like, Oh, great, mom can come with you, because she has know that there isn't going to be she has her and I have my sister to to actually take care of me where I was, like, as opposed to me taking care of my mom while my mom's there to meet her, you know, to. Like, hang out with Yeah,

Brooke Schnittman: 35:00

and for people listening, it might not be their mom, it might be their best friend, it might be their partner, it might be a grandparent who knows, right? But knowing and advocating for your needs like you are is really and you can change those needs at any point, but it really is something that the ADHD brain needs to be able to set those boundaries, to be able to then take care of yourself and not have to take care of another person while you're taking care of the baby. So it sounds to me like you without trying to be in control, you have been able to control the way that you're showing up for yourself and how you're going to show up for your baby

Danielle Elliott: 35:41

trying to Yeah, thank you, because that's Yeah. It's just been funny because I never put such hard. I always just kind of give in to what my mom wants. But there's something about this, being my baby, like, no, no, it is going to be different now. But boundaries are Yeah. Boundaries are hard,

Brooke Schnittman: 35:59

yeah. And I know you have a job and managing those expectations too, especially in the beginning. And you know how you're going to manage your time and energy levels, especially while breastfeeding. I don't know what your plan is, if you're going to be on ADHD medication or not. Obviously, that would be made up with your doctor, but

Danielle Elliott: 36:21

I haven't decided, to be honest, like that's the I decided not to be on meds at all during the pregnancy, but that's also a decision between everyone and their doctor. Like there's no hard and fast rules. The psychiatrist that I now have a like that I'm now one of her active patients has been like, whenever you say so, I'm actually like, and my OB has asked me to fill any prescriptions that I might anticipate needing before the baby is actually here. She's like, let's just just think, just have them in your cabinet in case you need them. So I haven't decided yet, but I'm going to see how I'm doing. And there have been moments where I almost took medication during this pregnancy because I've been like, wow, I'm not working at all. But work is also lighter right now than it usually is, so that's been helpful,

Brooke Schnittman: 37:08

managing that expectation for yourself, for your schedule, and then if you want to go the medical route, of course, working that out with your doctor, but to expect us to be as productive, work wise, house wise, and everything else. That's just silly.

Unknown: 37:28

It's just yeah, just so silly. That's just so silly. It's really amazing.

Danielle Elliott: 37:33

It's like, I just keep thinking, I cannot believe, like, I keep thinking about the fact that maternity leave wasn't even a normalized thing in this country, until probably the last 10 years. I'm like, I think that we should also get pregnancy leave at this point. Like, just give us, like, it's so much, I don't Yeah, and I keep thinking, I'm so glad I'm doing it at 40 with, or like 39 when I started in 40 with, like, the perspective of and to be doing it when I'm at a place in work where I'm not the younger person who everything falls on like I'm pretty much in a management role at this point in the projects that I'm on, and I can manage my time. That's helpful. And I cannot imagine being 10 years younger and or 15 years, you know, I think of it for myself. I can't imagine Exactly, yeah,

Brooke Schnittman: 38:27

yeah, yeah. Well, what would you say now, being a month, two and a half months out from delivery, most likely, what would you say would be the number one advice that you would be giving to expecting moms or moms with ADHD who are trying to get pregnant.

Danielle Elliott: 38:44

I think it really is to let go of everyone else's expectations and even maybe some of your own expectations for the pregnancy, like the the advice I would give right now in this moment is I had been putting pressure on myself to make sure I was still showing up to everything and showing up in the way I always show up. And I had been feeling this sense of, this is the time you can still do everything. So even if you're tired, go do it, because it's going to be harder to do it when you have to, like, find childcare to go to your friend's birthday or whatever the things are. And I had to, I would say, by month six, I had to let that go and just accept that. Like, no, it's not that a life change is coming. It's that I'm in the midst of it like it's here, you know, like there's no, I think that it's much easier to realize your life has completely changed when there's a visual, like, crying, screaming, laughing baby, you know, to actually take care of, and, like, a physical thing to take care of, but the pregnancy itself is also a thing to take care of. I think it's that I think having to let go of my own expectations. Oh, and then the other thing I would do is say, as you're considering, yeah, parenting like we're all so inundated with you need to buy this and this and this and this, my advice is to look into what might. Trigger more anxiety, because we're all going to have enough anxiety as it is as new moms. So yeah, my advice would be to like, as you're considering products, consider whether they will actually ease anxiety, or if you're being sold a marketing campaign, that's

Brooke Schnittman: 40:14

good. Well, Danielle, we're all wishing you all the best in your delivery and postpartum, and can't wait to see pictures once you have a baby in your hands. And for those who want to get in touch with you or learn more about climbing the walls or the things that you do, where should they go?

Danielle Elliott: 40:35

So climbing the walls is available anywhere that podcasts are out, it's six episodes, and then there's two bonus episodes on the feed, I believe, and that's from understood.org so climbing the walls is there, and then I'm on Instagram as Danielle dot Elliot, yeah, my work is all over the place. So it's like, there's a series right now on ESPN. There's climbing the walls. There's a true crime Podcast coming out soon. So I don't have a specific spot to say for that, but I'm on Instagram at Danielle, dot

Brooke Schnittman: 41:05

Ellie, and we'll put that in the show notes. Thanks for coming today to successful with ADHD. Thanks so much for having me. Thanks for listening to this episode of successful with ADHD. I hope it helps you on your journey, and if you need any additional support for you or a loved one with ADHD, feel free to reach out to us at coaching with brooke.com, and all social media platforms at coaching with Brooke, and remember, it's Brooke with Vinny. Thanks again for listening. See you next time you.