Raising Future Adults: ADHD, Emotional Regulation & Parenting That Lasts with David Krasky, School Psychologist

Parenting in today’s fast-paced, always-online world is tough—and even more so when you're raising a neurodivergent child. In this episode, I sit down with my friend and colleague David Krasky, a licensed school psychologist and newly published author of Raising Future Adults. With over 20 years of experience working with kids, teens, and young adults, David brings a compassionate and insightful lens to what it really takes to help children with ADHD thrive in the long run—not just survive the day-to-day.

We dive into everything from emotional regulation and sleep deprivation to tech use, behavior challenges, and building independence. David shares practical, real-life strategies for supporting kids through the lens of Maslow's hierarchy of needs, executive function skills, and long-term developmental growth. 

David Krasky is a Licensed School Psychologist working in private practice with over 20 years of experience working with children, teens, young adults and their parents. David’s focus is on both assessment and treatment of behavioral, learning, emotional and social difficulties. He places a strong emphasis on empowering children so they can grow up to be thriving, well-adjusted adults.

Episode Highlights:

[0:58] – Meet David Krasky: school psychologist, ADHD EdCamp volunteer, and author of Raising Future Adults.
[3:33] – Why Maslow’s hierarchy of needs is essential for managing ADHD and executive function challenges.
[6:47] – The connection between movement, sleep, nutrition, and attention regulation.
[10:38] – Doom scrolling, dopamine, and the deeper impact of social media on mental health.
[14:59] – Should we let kids socialize through video games? Finding a balanced approach.
[18:51] – Parallel play and introversion: understanding the full spectrum of social needs.
[21:57] – Rethinking behavior: consequences, natural learning, and executive function development.
[27:06] – Tween and teen challenges: consequences, consistency, and making choices.
[34:08] – How to balance homework with extracurricular commitments in real-life parenting.
[35:58] – Emotional dysregulation: when to step in and when to give space.
[43:06] – Creating real connection: how to ask questions that kids will actually answer.
[47:16] – Performance vs. personhood: how parental focus can either shut down or open up communication.
[55:41] – The ultimate parenting reframe: you're not just managing behavior—you're teaching for life.

Connect with David Krasky:

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/dkrasky

David Krasky’s book: Raising Future Adults on Amazon 

Thank you for tuning into "SuccessFULL with ADHD." If this episode has impacted you, remember to rate, follow, share, and review our podcast. Your support helps us reach and help more individuals navigating their journeys with ADHD.

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Transcript

Unknown: 0:00

When kids have a little bit of a say and what the consequence is. And I know that's a bad word, but I have to explain to kids there are positive and negative consequences. The positive consequence, these are the things that you're able to do. So it's not taking away, it's adding right? I kind of remind families and children, what are rights and what are privileges?

Brooke Schnittman: 0:19

Yes, that's the best right. Rights are food, shelter, love water, a safe space. And

Unknown: 0:27

using the term choice as they get older is because it's a choice like so you're if you choose not to do your homework, then you're choosing that you can play whatever the game is tonight, or you can't watch this show. That's your choice. That's fine. The consequence should be the consequence, not your reaction, not Well, I'm mad, not you screaming at the child. It's not about you, and it's not going to internally motivate the kid, and it's not going to teach them, oh, like this is on me. And eventually, most of the kids I've seen when the parents start doing that, it takes them a little bit, but they finally do it.

Brooke Schnittman: 0:58

Welcome to successful with ADHD. I'm Brooke schnittman, let's get started. Hello everybody, and welcome back to another episode of successful with ADHD. Today. I have David Kraske in the house. David and I have collaborated as colleagues multiple times. He is an amazing person, and he's a licensed school psychologist and a new author. He has volunteered his time in our ADHD Ed camp year after year, where we support individuals with ADHD in a free setting with 30 ADHD specialists. So he is so giving of himself, and now he has put years of information into his new book parenting for the future, which helps people with ADHD and executive function issues, as well as neurotypical children as well and the parents. And we're going to get into that in a little bit, but just a little bit more about David. He is a licensed school psychologist working in private practice with over 20 years of experience working with children, teens, young adults and their parents. He focuses on assessment and treatment of behavioral, learning, emotional and social difficulties. He places a strong emphasis on empowering children so they can be growing up to be a thriving, well adjusted adult, don't we all want that? David, so great to have you. Thank you for being here. Yeah, and when I was reading your book, I mean, I can relate on a professional level, but I can really relate also on a parenting level as well. Because, yeah, when you're in the thick of it, right, you want to sometimes rip your hair out and go back to Whoa, I know I know this, but like, why is this not working in the moment? Why can't I think properly? Or why are my executive functions working? Oh, emotionally just regulated right now, same here, right, right? So one thing that really stood out to me in your book was Maslow's hierarchy of needs. I don't think we talk about it enough, right? The power of small steps and really noticing where you are in your hierarchy of needs. I do talk about hierarchy of needs for adults in my book, activate your radiation potential, and you bring it up in your book as well, for parents working with their child. So can you tell me a little bit more about that and how you help it in your work with children?

Unknown: 3:33

Sure. So I kind of think of it as structure is important, and having some kind of framework to structure what you're doing. You know, our whole lives are very structured, whether it's work, when we're children, we go to school, a lot of our life is structured. But when it comes to parenting, when it comes to these kind of bigger, abstract ideas, it's all lumped together. So it's hard to prioritize. It's hard to know well, what's most important and what's the goal here? So I kind of use, and it's funny, I draw it on my big dry erase board and the office a lot of times with the teens and young adults and parents to kind of show like, well, if we don't take care of these things here, we can't look beyond that there. There is no success in these areas. You can't skip these steps totally.

Brooke Schnittman: 4:28

And when you say these steps, we're talking about like physiological needs from the beginning, right?

Unknown: 4:33

I usually start, you know, and my wife is a special educator. We have similar backgrounds, and we always anyone we're working with, we always kind of focus on the basics of, are you sleeping? Well, do you eat? Well, do you get some exercise? Are you healthy? Like, we really start with those basics. And when I say exercise, you know, do you move? Do you I'm again, we were talking before about being like Gen X in my mind, because kids will say like to. I walk around school, I'm like, do you ever break a sweat? Do you, you know, does your parent kick you out of the house and you come back in, you're like, covered, and you have to get a drink? Like, yeah, then you ran around. It doesn't have to be a jet sleeping well, has been a very big one the last 20 years, really, since, like, the invention of smartphones and technology, they've noticed probably 40% to 50% of kids middle and high school age are not getting the right amount or healthy sleep. And then diet, you know, you go out of the country, anywhere else, and then you come back in, you're like, wow, our food's different.

Brooke Schnittman: 5:38

Like, it's or I lost weight in this other country, but I ate so much more, right,

Unknown: 5:42

right? Or I'm at a party and I see like a four year old with, like, talkies in a coke

Brooke Schnittman: 5:49

sense, yeah.

Unknown: 5:52

So I always kind of talk about, you know, that framework of, well, if there's issues with attention and dysregulatory behaviors, we want to put all the things in place that promote the opposite of that, that that promote very good attention and executive skills. So let's rule out. Let's just make sure you're really healthy, you're taking care of your body, you're sleeping well, your social connectivity needs are being met. Your emotional needs are being met. Now we can address these other things.

Brooke Schnittman: 6:21

Yeah, no, it's so true. So Dr Hallowell talks about the importance of vitamin C, especially for people with ADHD. And then going back to the movement piece I saw somewhere today, actually, that 7% of people get the movement in that they need a day. And then I don't remember what the year was, but like, before it was over 80% who Isn't that wild?

Unknown: 6:47

It's it my my line I use with a lot of the kids when I start pushing them on, you know, I know we're working together. We're a team. And they kind of think like, Dave's on my side, you know, he's gonna tell my parents, I'm like, You need to move like our bodies are made to move like you have these legs and these lungs and these arms and thank goodness, like you're healthy and you're able. And one of the things I kind of mentioned in the book of there, there are some times when I believe it's pretty black and white, that there are lines in the sand, and that, to me, is one of them, when the kids are like, well, I don't like it, I don't like to sweat. I'm like, I know, but this is a health issue. This is good for your body and it's good for your brain and your mind, your emotional state. Like, I will fight this battle here,

Brooke Schnittman: 7:36

yeah, and it's so interesting, because, like, I always think, like, treat yourself like a baby, right? Something switches when we start becoming children and then adults, having a three year old daughter. You know, she will always express our needs, right? She wants to go outside, she wants to move. She tells me when she's hungry, she tells me when she's thirsty, she tells me when she needs sleep. I mean, she doesn't directly tell me, but she'll cry, right? Yeah, and we attend to that. But I don't, you know, I don't understand what switches in us, like when that distinction is where all of a sudden it's like, Nope, no longer gonna attend to my needs. All these other things are important,

Unknown: 8:16

and I get a lot of a lot of what's kind of helped me write this over the years is, you know, I'm fortunate enough I built good relationships with the kids and teens and young adults I work with, and I hear the stressors and the pressures that they're under that almost get in the way of taking care of those basic needs. And what's interesting is, I'll, I'll see some people for years, like, I'll have clients that they'll kind of grow up with me, and they start to recognize it again when they're on their own. So a lot of these kids, and you're probably getting them a lot of once they get Middle High School, it's a lot of pressure for the academics and the over scheduling and right like the more advanced classes, and then they're neglecting those needs. And then we kind of, I like to take that big, you know, step back view, like, let's, let's step back and look at this whole thing, right? Like you were doing really well. Things were good here. And then you started getting more stressed. And then you started isolating more, being alone more, not going out as much, not doing these activities. Your grades were good. But then you you started having a lot more difficulties in these areas, and they'll go away. And I see a few right now that are, they're here for spring break, and they start to realize, like, yeah, I really noticed that I need to be around people more. I'm like, oh, yeah, what? How do you know? Like, well, you know, I was alone a lot, and I would just study by myself in my dorm room. Or I'd always say no to go into this thing, because I'd get worried about whatever. But I noticed when I would do those things, I would just, I'd feel better, I'd be in a better mood, like, for the next few days. And it didn't I didn't recognize it when I was younger. Mm. So it's a good point that the three year old is able to, you know, I'm tired like, All right, let's or they cry, like you said. So when they're 23 instead of crying, it might be I have no motivation. So I use the term a lot, you know, and I write about it like, these are the red flags. These are the warning signs. It might not be a tantrum, but it's you avoiding this work. It's you not leaving your dorm room for four straight days. It's you. What are the term I learned this year, Doom scrolling. You got that one? Yeah.

Brooke Schnittman: 10:39

And the Doom scrolling happens very often when you have that low dopamine and you're seeking it in a way which ends up draining your battery in an unhealthy right, this

Unknown: 10:48

almost diminishes, and, in fact, I think there's even studies showing, because they finally have, now, like, a good amount of data with like social media and all the other things, and they're starting to see like, this was kind of worse than we thought it was going to be, you know, especially when it comes to like, I know, girls and bullying and self esteem and self image issues with social media. I don't know what it's going to look like in 1020 years, but I know unchecked, it's not great,

Brooke Schnittman: 11:21

yeah, you know, I've done a lot of talk about that on previous episodes of the podcast, as far as social media, and how there was, like, some article that went out there years ago that Facebook causes depression for students, and then when You dig, dig deeper into the article or the study, you notice that is a very black and white statement, right? Like the people who are getting depressed by going onto Facebook or other social media platforms? Well, a lot of what drove them onto those platforms was because they already had depression, they already had anxiety. So it wasn't the Facebook or the social media that was causing it, so it was just a part of the whole picture. So social media is so funny like that, right? You know, we just need to learn how to manage it and the right tools.

Unknown: 12:21

I I get a lot of questions from parents about that, right? When's a good age to let my kid have this that, whatever else, and unfortunately, like in this field, you know, like any other field, it's not so black and white, like it depends on the child's it depends on the development. It depends on what they have going on in their life. I know some kids that never use their cell phone. They're never on it. They don't play games on it, no social media. They don't even text, or they couldn't care less. And I know others that if you even try to take it from them while we're talking, they will, they'll get a little aggressive, and younger kids. So like, you said, like, it's the whole like, we learned in school, you know, correlation, causation, like, it doesn't mean this causes this. So I try to figure out what the parents, you know, like, what the purpose of whatever it is serving, what are the consequences? So I always kind of say it's, it's easier to replace your behavior than to stop it. So if you want your kid watching less tick tock, if you introduce other things in their life, right, they'll naturally be on it. So if you let your kid, and I've done a lot of like following Jonathan Hite in the last year since the anxious generation came out, oh my gosh. It's good. It's a good book. He's been all over, like national media research in so so his He's a social psychologist. He's been around for years, but he really pushes the idea the increase in helicopter parenting, along with the increase in social media and the decrease of monitoring children online, has caused a lot of problems overall. And there are some like you said that it's it's not causing that much of an issue. But he his whole idea is to kind of reverse it, where there should be more monitoring of kids online use and technology use and time, and letting kids go out and be independent and responsible and learn and fail and try things on their own.

Brooke Schnittman: 14:26

Yeah, I love the whole failing and trying and not giving everyone a trophy like you and I grew up right receiving everyone gets a trophy. I know you talk about that in your book. I wanted to mention something that you've said multiple times, the power of connection and socialization. So you have a child, especially in the ADHD realm, or neurodivergent realm, who has difficulty socializing. So they find socialization through Fortnite or through other forms of video games or technology. What do you do with that? So.

Unknown: 15:00

Like, again, if you're thinking, and I always, and I write about this, and I talk to the parents about this, about like, well, what's the goal? Right? Is your goal for your child to improve their social skills? Then, yes, if they're playing online with friends, that is definitely one way in which they can get practice at doing that, and they need to practice. And if it's an environment where they feel more comfortable, safe, great. That's much better than playing alone without talking to the friends, because at least now that part of their brain that has to interpret voice tone and sarcasm and pauses and knowing when to speak when not to that's great, like, that's helpful and wonderful. So it's almost like levels, like, if you want them to practice, that's good, better to maybe play with some people in person. So it might be, oh, if your friends want to play with you, and you're all playing Minecraft and your computers together, great, and you're all like showing it's almost like parallel play, where they're going to naturally, thinking, right, like they're going to organically, just, oh my God, look at this. Like, no, no, don't go there. I've seen it with kids, yes, and even adults, too, even adults versus and it's funny, I work with a lot of children like that, high schoolers in particular, their worst nightmare is when I say, What if I tell mom and dad to drop you off at that party with like, 50 kids that you don't know, and they're not coming back for six hours, they look at me like, I have just taken their favorite pet. That is so stress induced about panic, right, right? So I'm like, not really going to do that. Like, don't worry. But the whole idea is, like, but, and it doesn't have to be that of the goal where, if the kid says, you know, I just want to be able to have a few friends, or to be able to go into work and to talk to two people, well, yeah, let's work up to that goal versus if I have a child with ADHD or social skills deficits or neurodivergence, If they say, Well, I want to join the fraternity and I want to date and I want to do these other things, then I take a very practice based approach where, okay, we're not going to just flood you and throw you in that environment, but let's start small. So it might just start with, I have a few right now I'm working with that are looking for work. So just starting with ask to talk to the manager, don't just apply online. It's going to be stressful, but it'll just be about 30 to 45 seconds, little discomfort. But by the third or fourth manager you talk to, it won't be as bad. So I really believe in the the exposure of the practice, because at the end of the day, the world is a social environment, and at some level, there has to be some knowledge ability to get whatever their needs are met.

Brooke Schnittman: 17:57

Yeah. I you're talking to someone who has major social anxiety, you probably wouldn't be able to tell through a screen or through what we do, because I thought I was always an extrovert, but I've introverted a lot in my older years. Yeah, when you said, drop me off at a party for six hours with 50 people, I don't know. I immediately thought, okay, am I going to be driving? Like, can you not drop me off? Can I have my own car so I can leave as soon like, Can I have that escape plan? But the parallel play that talk about that like we you've explained what it is already, but does that have in your research have the same effects socially on the brain that direct interaction

Unknown: 18:51

does. So it's definitely shown, especially for people that are more introverted. It is nourishing even being around people, because what happens is the brain interprets it as, oh, like, I'm out. I'm in the community. I feel one with the community, or part of the community, instead of being isolated and something being wrong with me, and I didn't have the pressure of having to talk to everyone, introduce myself, be judged on my performance, appearance, anything else. So I love the idea of even thinking like introversion, extroversion, of being, you know, a spectrum, and getting what you need. Where I think the term they use is like introverts to refill their battery, they need time alone. Extroverts to refill their battery, they need time with others. And nobody's 100% one of the other. So I've met many people who are very happy going to make. Maybe a small gathering when they're not doing as much talking, and they're just sitting listening to people and and they're thrilled. They they thought it was a great night. They're recharged, right? Isn't that? And I never understood that. I'm like, Yeah, but you didn't say anything, like, Oh no, but I was listening, and I know you were talking to me because people were making eye contact with me, and it was great.

Brooke Schnittman: 20:24

What about not saying anything and just listening to or watching a TV show with another human right next to you? It's

Unknown: 20:33

again, it's that shared experience. Yeah, right. Like they talk about um more on like, in the world of autism and neurodivergence fears, they talk about reciprocity and kind of reading cues and being comfortable in that environment. That alone is definitely going to be helpful for the person. And what's going to happen a lot of times is, over time, it'll be very natural. They'll start to engage a little bit, or there'll be a little more of that Recipro It might even be a glance or a look, or like, where you kind of share this thing that happened, where you're watching the TV show and you both found something funny. You both be like, Huh? Like, look at each other and point and laugh. That's a connection point that's important, and that alone, it seems small, but for people that don't get a lot of it or enough of it, it's very important. It's, you know, it's baked into our DNA. We've been doing that for over 100,000 years.

Brooke Schnittman: 21:36

Sure, sure. So you mentioned in the in your book, in the chapter of thinking differently about behavior problems, you discuss shifting perspectives on problematic behavior. So what are some key behavior management strategies that you think work well for children with ADHD?

Unknown: 21:58

So for the younger ones, I've definitely found, you know, for parents, unfortunately, a lot of parents, it's it's gonna be more difficult when you have a child with ADHD, because what happens is, you know, like you're expecting a certain level of regulation, and then when it doesn't happen, you get annoyed, upset, you Know, frustrated all of it. So part of it is knowing your child, knowing where they're at, knowing what's hard, knowing that okay, like if we go into this quiet library, they might just run and yell going to the section they want, and I might feel embarrassed. So a lot of the work is really working at first with the parents and saying, Okay, listen, you're going to be a little uncomfortable here. That's okay. You know, don't avoid it. We can also do a lot of preventative work. We can prep or we can prep, you like, get ready. You're gonna take him into the library and he's gonna start yelling, no, no, no, I won't. I won't start yelling, it's fine, you will. It's okay. You've done it every time this week, because they'll usually tell you right in the moment, no, no, no, no, I won't. I won't. I'm like, it's fine. Like, you're not in trouble. You get excited. And this is what happens you're six or whatever age you are. This is what mom or dad is going to do. So it might be something as simple as, okay, we're prepping them, right? They do this in school. You do this, all right, kids, we're about to line up and walk through the hallway. Remember, you know, we have to be they make the little kids, your daughter probably does it where they put a hand over their their lips, right, their hands up, right? You could do the same thing for anything. Like, all right, like, we're about to do this thing. Like, all right. Remember, these are the rules. This is what we're going to do. If you get excited, you know, it's okay if you want to do this, but you know, we don't want to disrupt anyone. So that's the preventative piece. The reactionary piece is more, you know, we focus so much on punishment. I just find overall, as a culture, it's all about punishment, but unfortunately and they and they, there's 50 years of research that they've done, punishment works short term. It does not work long term, yep, period for anything

Brooke Schnittman: 24:12

breaking Monte talks about that too, right?

Unknown: 24:15

Like it doesn't teach. So if the goal is to teach, we put on intrinsic right? I want to teach my child how to walk into this store and not have a meltdown if I don't buy them something. So that's what we're going to practice. And I'm going to teach them. And there's lots of different ways we could do it. I could prep them. We can maybe we focus. If they're able to do that, I can then, as they get older, ask them Be like, Listen, you might get upset if we go into Target and you want this pack of Pokemon cards, and I say, I told you I wasn't going to get you anything. But we can maybe do something else you want. We could go home and watch this thing. We can plan. And for when we come back next time, what you can get. So it's again, teaching them, okay, well, delaying gratification, dealing with no which is hard, for which is hard, children would improve control. You know? What can we do right now? We're upset, and also being okay, but they're gonna cry. That's okay, I have to remind a lot of people, and it's it's funny, even the the young adults will apologize for crying, and I like that you never apologize for like you cry, crying spying. They're gonna get upset. They're gonna yell, yeah, they're six Sure,

Brooke Schnittman: 25:39

yeah. It's the release of their emotions, and then they feel better after they cry.

Unknown: 25:43

So that's where the kind of shift is, where instead of, you know, with the older kids, it's, I'm taking your phone that's been, I can't even tell you, and then I my joke is always like, oh, so like, what does the phone have to do with them? Like, giving you an attitude just now, like, I don't did the phone, like, are they mimicking, right? So then we talk about when it comes to behavior again, and I write about this a lot very natural related consequences, where the goal is to teach. So if we ran into the library yelling and ran to the section, let's practice that again the right way, like, let's try that again. No, and then you'll get what you want. Because I know you're very you're really excited to, like, see the new book or whatever, but I'm going to make you do do it the right way first, and then you get to see the thing and do the thing you want. Not, we're leaving. It's not a no more video games tonight. Like, I don't know. I want you to be able to do this. Just do it the right way.

Brooke Schnittman: 26:52

Yeah. What if? Like, let's talk about the tweens, right? The teens, the tweens, right? So it's a little bit more difficult. I've

Unknown: 27:01

got one of those right now the other room.

Brooke Schnittman: 27:06

You know, there's some learned behaviors, of course, and then you got hormones, and some of that stuff might not work as well as when you're talking about a younger child. So taking away the phone, right? That does have a short term impact for many teens, but what is, what are some other strategies that you can use? So let's say your child and I hate homework, but it's the first example that came up, because there's no proof that homework actually has any educational impact on the child, but you didn't do your homework. So what's the consequence? What do we do with that?

Unknown: 27:53

So that's where I love the idea of the kids being involved once they get that old and that old, they've kind of shown and they do this in the schools a lot, when kids have a little bit of a say and what the consequence is. And I know that's a bad word, but I have to explain to kids, like there are positive and negative consequences. Like the positive consequence of you doing what you need to be doing. These are the things that you're able to do where the negative consequences of not right like so it's not taking away, it's adding right. And that's where I kind of remind families and children, what are rights and what are privileges?

Brooke Schnittman: 28:36

Yes, that's the best right. Rights are food, shelter. Love water, a safe space.

Unknown: 28:44

So something like, okay, so, and using the term choice as they get older is because it's a choice like, so you're if you choose not to do your homework, then you're choosing that you can't you know, you can't play whatever the game is tonight, or you can't see your friend, or you can't watch this show. That's your choice. That's fine. The consequence should be the consequence, not your reaction, not Well, I'm mad, not you screaming at the child because it doesn't it's not about you. It's not about you, and it's not going to internally motivate the kid, and it's not going to teach them, oh, like this is on me. And eventually, most of the kids I've seen, when the parents start doing that, it takes them a little bit, but they finally do it, and when they do it's like, oh, great, you did your work. Now you get to play. You don't have as much time as before, because you decided to wait, and it took you a little bit, but that's fine, like, because I told you, if you get to do this thing now, here's here's what happens, and being consistent with that teaches the child like and that's, you know, the whole idea. That's why I kind of titled The book raising future adults. Because I always find the term adult more developmental term than a chronological term, yeah, where I know law wise, you're an adult at 18. Seen. But in my mind, I always thought like adult is someone that's able to be responsible for themselves, for their actions, to be able to use all these executive skills well enough to increase their chances of success, right, problem solving, all that other stuff. I know 15 year olds that could live on their own, and I know 40 year olds that still live at home, so I think of I'm always thinking the long term like, well, what's the goal this kid eventually is going to have to do homework in college, so you can't continue to do their homework or remind them every five minutes, remember this is due tomorrow. Remember this is due tomorrow, and get stuck in that trap because you're

Brooke Schnittman: 30:43

acting against their executive function, right? They're not developing, yeah.

Unknown: 30:49

So again, it's it's very much in that frame of they're gonna have to learn this skill. Can you learn to do your homework when you're not in the mood? Do you know what to do if you get stuck on a problem and now you're frustrated and dysregulated and annoyed and ready to rip it up? Now what do you do? Yeah,

Brooke Schnittman: 31:09

I have an interesting question. So both of us have come from the school system. I was special education teacher and administrator, and then I, you know, started the coaching business and and the worst consequence for a child with ADHD was taking yp or movement, right? They don't do their homework. Sorry, no, Pa could do during that. Yeah, it's actually happening with my stepson right now, and they're not using it as a consequence. They're using it as an opportunity. But what are your thoughts about as a parent? Right? You don't do your homework now, this child has activities after school. They have teams that they've committed to. Do you take away, or do you not provide that opportunity for them to participate in a team that they've already committed to? Right? Like, and I've heard this from so many parents, like, where do you how do you choose? How do you help them choose? I know

Unknown: 32:02

it's like personal opinions. I think, I think there's a few things that kind of play in I think if it's just homework that's not going to affect your grade that much, and whatever else, like, all right? Well, we did make a commitment to this, and I and again, it's, it's the framing from the parent, right? It's like saying to the kid, there will be a consequence for you choosing not to do your work, but it's not this. It's not missing basketball because I believe that's part of your health, and you need that, so I want you to go play basketball, but when you get home, you're not going to have your hour to just look through whatever, do whatever, like you're going to have your work. And if you choose not to do your work, and you get a zero tomorrow, then this is a consequence. Then those things that you want to do. And when you ask me, Oh, can you take me here to get this? Or I'm going to jump online with so and so, because he's now free, you won't get to do that. So I kind of look at, you know, what is it that you've already made the commitment to? And if you believe it's important enough, like this is a health issue, like, my child needs this sport or this thing, it actually makes them perform better, academically, socially, behaviorally, they need it. Versus, you know, he goes to some club after school that maybe it's a little disorganized, and they just sit around and talk, and he didn't really make a commitment. Like, well, no, I'm not taking you to that club until your work is done. You know, I I might not believe that's as important as the homework. So you're kind of weighing the two and then teaching them also, like, again, that delayed gratification, like when you get your work done, then you get to do the thing. But again, I think of as an adult, like, if you need to work out every day as part of your self care and mental Yeah, even if you maybe didn't finish all your work at work, you'll go to the gym, and then you'll come home, and then you'll get your work

Brooke Schnittman: 34:05

exactly right. Yeah, that's a really good point. It's a really good point.

Unknown: 34:08

So I think very I'm always thinking long term. I'm always trying to think very practically, like real life, because a lot of what I've always heard, and you probably too from like research and people that have these theories of, okay, but how do we make it real? Like this is what's really happening for this family, for this child. Like this is great, but like you asked, like, what about this? What about Facebook being pretty good sometimes, or video games or parallel play or watching stuff together, right?

Brooke Schnittman: 34:41

It's not so black and white. No, it's very nuanced.

Unknown: 34:46

Yes, most things are but big media and other things, it's it. You know, it's easier to paint with a broad brush.

Brooke Schnittman: 34:56

Oh yeah, oh yeah. Very sticky headlines like. So

Unknown: 35:00

it's an annoying thing. I say a lot when parents and kids ask me stuff, but I say, like, it depends. And then we talk about the nuance, and it depends on what and but then there are some things, and like, this is a black and white issue for me. Like, I don't, for example, like one thing I write about, like, I don't think a 10 year old should sleep with their cell phone in the room all night. Like, I just personal opinion based on what I've read Sid like, you know, or when it comes to health stuff, like, Yes, I do believe every child should get an hour of some kind of activity throughout the day, walking, playing, swimming, whatever.

Brooke Schnittman: 35:37

Yep. So you brush on emotional dysregulation, having to like nothing gets through to someone unless they're in a state of calm, right? But what would you say, since we're talking real situations, here are some best ways parents can help their children learn to manage the big emotions and frustrations.

Unknown: 35:59

I see it when I'm with the families real time, which is great, also a little stressful at times. But one of the things you know that that's the kind of two prong approach, is teaching whoever is getting dysregulated to learn how to communicate that and to communicate it early on, before we're to the point of crisis, and to teach them also how and when to take space. And on the flip side of that, teaching the parent to know when to provide the space and not chase after not look at it as a sign of disrespect. You're going to listen to me and sit here and take it because I'm the adult. I've never seen that work, and I've seen it in practice where, like, you know, you have to listen as I'm screaming at you, and sit there and take it and agree with me, because I'm the adult and I'm right, and you can't lose your temper. That doesn't happen. So a lot of times I have to stop it and cut it off and be like, first of all, like they've stopped listening to you now because they're completely dysregulated. They're upset. You're obviously upset and angry, whatever else. So this is where I'm going to say, we're going to stop for a minute, and then having them practice saying whatever the phrase is, or it could be a non verbal I've funny in the last five years, I've done a lot of inadvertently, like couples counseling with teenagers and like college kids. Okay, I've learned a lot, and they have to even, you know, it's, it's the same issue, it's, it's, you've

Brooke Schnittman: 37:37

done couples, I'm registering what you're saying, couples counseling with college kids and teenagers. Hilarious.

Unknown: 37:44

I love that. It's great though they're showing they're like, What do you think of this text? What should I write back and like, you know, look at this and blah, blah, blah. I'm like, learn and teaching. Like, a lot of communicating and regulating, like those. I say those words over and over and over. Communicating the right way, though, right no name calling, not like the kind of like emotional blackmail or whatever else, and knowing when you're dysregulated and saying, like, I can't listen to you right now, I have to go. So I tried to teach the parent to you know your attention to your child is technically the reward, you're the reward, and if your child screaming at you, they don't deserve the privilege of your attention. And on the flip side, it doesn't mean you don't love them. It doesn't mean whatever like you also you're not able to fully listen to them and respond to them, because you're now getting upset, so it's okay for you to remove yourself, yeah, but Right. But it's also in the framing, like I'm not, like I'm upset right now, like I love you, but I can't listen to you scream at me, because I don't want to scream back at you, so I'm gonna go, Yeah,

Brooke Schnittman: 39:00

you know, obviously you can't just go when you have a three year old, but, but I think of that too. When my daughter it does, she doesn't know how to down regulate, right? So when she has just lost it, there is a nothing I can say or do except give her a hug, show her that she's loved, and until her her emotions come down, that's it, and she's regulated,

Unknown: 39:30

and that's where the space is good. And I always have to remind the parents, and you know, a lot of in our generation, it seems to be increasing more and more we don't like to see our child upset, but I always kind of frame it with that growth mindset idea, right of like, now your child's getting an opportunity to practice self calming, and that's great. And then then we can praise it. We can reward it. Be like, I know you got upset, but I loved. Is that you got up and you didn't scream and you didn't break anything, and you just went to your room like, I'm really proud of you. That's great. Because again, I'm thinking you're gonna have roommates, you're gonna have bosses, you're gonna have boyfriends or girlfriends or spouses. That's exactly where I was going. Like, you have to have this skill.

Brooke Schnittman: 40:20

But I was also thinking on the flip side of like, the person who doesn't have as big of emotions, right? And you're seeing your partner who does have big emotions get dysregulated. There's literally, again, nothing you can say in the moment. You need to give them space, yeah?

Unknown: 40:36

And you're not. And I say this to the kids and the adults too. It's not your job to make them feel better. You know, you're not in charge of this person's emotions. Yeah, now, don't go and make them upset for no reason, right? Don't be an asshole, right? Don't be an ass. All right, I say that a lot to like, the teens I work with, like, Don't purposefully, like, do this, but you're not in charge. When they say, like, Well, mom will get me will get mad, but like, that's that's not your job. Like you don't it's not about that. She's an adult. She'll deal with it. Yeah, and I say the same to the parents, you know, I'm like, wouldn't you rather your child learn how to regulate and know how to make themselves feel a little bit better, versus you having to fix it, you know, you get stuck in the happiness trap, where I have to, then kind of teach, like, happiness is a feeling. It comes and goes, just like sadness and anger and whatever. But being at peace is like something that lasts, that's that's forever you want, you know, the baseline of your child's overall emotional well, being in a pretty good place, but there's going to be spikes, and there's going to be other things, and that's fine. Let them learn how to, you know, work their way through it, as long as it's not harmful. And I talk about that a little bit in the book of like, looking for warning signs, like when it's when do I step it? Yeah, and I try to make it kind of like black and white, so it's a little easier. It's easy when it comes to medicine, right? If you take your daughter's temperature and it's over 100 now, I know something's up, she's gonna need Tylenol, ibuprofen. Maybe we have to go to the doctor. But if it was 99 like, it's fine, you're gonna watch it right where it's pretty similar with kids, like they've done enough research where they found and you'll know your own child, like, if something's off, if there are warning signs, is something's different, it's a red flag, like something's going on, yeah? But again, not your job to fix it, but that's where the communication comes in,

Brooke Schnittman: 42:43

right? The good questioning, and I think that also would be really helpful to share with parents, what are examples of questions that truly engage your children where they're not going to just say yes now, right where you can get more from them and you can connect.

Unknown: 43:06

Yeah, it's always going to be harder for the parent like so I'm raising right now. I have a teenage daughter and a tween age son, so I'm I get to practice all this stuff, you know, with my own little guinea pigs, which is great, and with the kids I work with, so you definitely want to create an environment where you you let them talk about what they want, even if you're not interested in it, because it'll give them more of a space and more of the kind of um habit of then eventually sharing the things that are maybe more important to you. So if they want to talk about fortnight, you listen. If they want to show you their nighttime routine that they got off Tiktok and want to go to Ulta and buy all these things, you don't just say, No, I do that with your mother. Like, I don't care. So that's the kind of preventative that's like the setup, right? Like, the more you do that, the more they're apt to talk about these other things, because now they've built a habit of, oh, I can talk to this person about whatever. It's not just about, like, school work, right?

Brooke Schnittman: 44:12

And I'm being heard and valued and cared for and trusted.

Unknown: 44:17

And then you always want to start like, you don't have to start with the most severe, intense, private, whatever you know you gotta. There's still people you know you want to go on a date and ride away be like, so do you want to have kids? Like,

Brooke Schnittman: 44:36

should we get it prenup or not? Why? Like,

Unknown: 44:38

this is a person you start with. Like, you know, tell me about your day. And then you you, you know, they they teach us to teach others like asking those open ended questions and ask them the stuff that's part of their routine, you know, like, who'd you sit with at lunch? And what was, you know, what was the worst part about the day? What was the best part about the day, just kind of getting them to think in that way, instead of. How is school today? Right, right? Like, you don't want the Yes, no's. And then once I start going, it's kind of funny. You start to see, then they bring up something, oh yeah. Like, I remember, like, the other day this thing happened. I see it in my office all the time, and they'll just, and then the parent will look at me and be like, Oh, I didn't know that. I'm like, oh yeah. It's yeah. Look at that like, this thing happened. Then they get very happy, like, Oh, I wish you shared that with me more. And then like, Well, you never ask, or you don't ask that way. You're just at House School, right,

Brooke Schnittman: 45:30

right? And I'm sure we've all fallen victim to that because, you know, that's the easiest question that comes to our mind, but what's the best part of your day? What's the worst part of your day? And I think we can use that in any contacts, with friends, with partners. Yeah,

Unknown: 45:45

I love the idea of all those new strategy games and fun cooperative games like the even

Brooke Schnittman: 45:55

the chat pack,

Unknown: 45:56

right, right. Like, yes it, the ice breakers, the conversation starters have i Evers, it's just great practice for everyone to engage and actively listen and learn about each other instead of the focus being on, you know, grades. I've had so many kids tell me, like all my all my interactions with this parent is about my grades and all my interactions with this parent. Is about is my room clean, and that's it. There is no takes, right? Like there is no Oh, are you talking any new, you know, boys that you're interested or girls, or whoever you're interested in, or how's it going? Like this friend group, like you never mentioned them anymore.

Brooke Schnittman: 46:41

Yeah, and I almost think about that from again, I like to see patterns, my pattern recognition. ADHD, go figure, same, same. But like as entrepreneurs, boss, whatever leaders, you know, imagine if I said to an employer or someone who works with me, you didn't get the thing done, or how's that thing coming? And that was the only thing I asked them. Or what process are you using to do that thing? But I never asked, How are you Yeah, what's new? Yeah.

Unknown: 47:16

And then what kind of response and output do you think you're gonna get

Brooke Schnittman: 47:21

very shut down, defensive, minimal, yeah, probably not. Someone who's going to last very long if all you're focused on is their performance rather than who they are.

Unknown: 47:37

And then what parents will say to be devil's advocate, they'll say, Well, I have to prepare them for the real world. Their boss isn't going to do this. Or they're whoever and so like but you're not their boss. You know, you're their parents, you're their character, like they are already doing that in school, right? They they have seven or eight bosses that they have to deal with every day, and they go to college, they'll have more you're not their boss. You want them to get ready for that environment. Have them get a part time job, like over the summer when they're a teenager or in college or something, then they can learn that skill. What you're really doing is not just like you're raising your child to be independent, but you also have to create such a strong connection and relationship that they know that you guys are partners. Yeah, you know, you're not just the warden. You're not the dictator and the manager and the ruler with the stick and just telling them do it this, you know, do your homework and blah, blah, blah, like it will

Brooke Schnittman: 48:37

work short term, you know, like, I know personally, people very close to me who had that type of parenting, not militant, authoritative, and they were scared, and they did it, but now you know they're like the opposite, right as a parent, right? And it didn't give you long term motivation, as you mentioned. And side note, it is such a fine line between codependency and parenting like that. You know, not a fine line. But there is this, this middle ground that, oh yeah, I'm sure you talk more about of you know, what makes healthy relationships and parenting. Dr Becky good side was talking about validating your child is incomplete parenting, not to say it's bad parenting, it's incomplete. So we validate and then what? Right? So it is a full time job being a parent. It is exhausting. I know, right? I know firsthand, you know, and working with people, I know, but there's just so much to it, and that's why what you do is so important, in giving not only the children the skills, but also the parents

Unknown: 49:54

and I, and it's interesting, because I work with a lot of people, and I've met a lot of people from different. Cultures, different countries, and here it's a little more isolated. You know, it's not Brooke and the aunts and the grandmas and the neighbors are all raising their kids together. It's a lot more isolated. So there's a lot more pressure. Not to mention, you know, if you look at people working now compared to 70 years ago, financial pressure, everything else, it's right, it's it's right.

Brooke Schnittman: 50:25

The modern parents, I mean, my husband and I both are working full time jobs as entrepreneurs, yep.

Unknown: 50:32

And 70 years ago, 100 years ago, that wasn't the norm, no. So with every generation, even though, like some things will improve and some things will get better easier. But then there are more things that are challenging that make parenting harder. Kids tell me they wish they grew up in the 80s and 90s, because they wish they didn't have social media. They could bike wherever they want and hang out at the mall, and they get it, and I'm like, Yes, it was, it was much easier.

Brooke Schnittman: 51:08

I'm not gonna lie. I was a child of the 80s, and if there was social I mean, I was bullied for the majority of my life, but if there was social media at that time, that would have probably destroyed me based on my maladaptive coping strategies, right not getting the right tools that I needed. Now I do, but I can't imagine. So yes, teenagers and children these days have it extra hard with the constant visibility of everyone's life and the rejection and the the fear of missing out and the false reality of what other people are doing, how other people are being successful. And it's really difficult for the neurodivergent population, especially, to regulate that

Unknown: 51:59

and and, like you said, the fine line in the gray area is there might be some things in that world that are helpful and useful and good for you, but there needs to be a balance. And I talk about that all the time, you know, with anything like, yes, if you want some time to just scroll through whatever. But there also be, should be time during the day when you're engaging with the environment, with people, there should be time when you're sitting and relaxing, but there should also be time when you're physical and active. And I'm always again, like, I'm thinking, this always is, like, one of the first articles I wrote about is, like parenting, it's a marathon. It's not a sprint. Like, it's, if you think of it like, your kid is going to be with you at least 18 years, and a lot, maybe more then. That's how you have to think of it, that these are skills that this child's going to need in order to really survive on their own and to do the best that they can do. It might take longer for some they might need more or less support. But if that's the goal, and that's, that's everyone's kind of they're in sync with. This is what we want to eventually happen. It makes it a little easier when you have the kids screaming at Target or anything else. Well, what's the goal? Here

Brooke Schnittman: 53:15

you're giving me some PTSD Brielle, like a year ago, just her whole, like shake, she just throws it on the floor as soon as we get it to target. Yeah, could that walk into the store? Had no idea why she had the tantrum. You know, it's at Target. I

Unknown: 53:34

saw a little girl having a tantrum at Target, and my daughter, probably my daughter, now is different target. But, you know, the mom is very calm, and the girls, like, on the floor, and target, where my first I was like, Oh, the floor so dirty, and she's crying. Like, now, like screaming. The mom is just calm. I almost want to go up to the mom and be like, good for you, you know, yeah, grabbing her and ripping her out of the stores, yeah. Let her cry. More of that. You just let her cry once she started crying a little less, the mom just said, Okay, I'm gonna, like, start, you know, checking out. Now the girl just crying, following her. Because they're always, they're always gonna follow you, you know, survival. And by the time they walked out the door, the girl stopped crying. And she was probably like, amazing. And it was, I really, I have my daughter would not let me. She's at that age. Like, don't embarrass me. Don't talk to anyone. I'm like, No, that mom needs to hear she's doing a great job, and that it's wonderful that she just she didn't get upset. The little girl was upset. She understood probably, like, She's three, like, yeah, she got upset she didn't get what she wanted. And I don't know if it's appropriate that we do that more and encourage each other and support each other and be like, I love that, right? Like,

Brooke Schnittman: 54:45

I we don't hear it enough, right? We do need that validation, yeah, especially when we're in the third of it,

Unknown: 54:52

you know, like, I love, I coached basketball last year, and I loved when the parents would show up and they wouldn't be on their phones and. They'd be like, really engaged in watching and asking if they could help. And I'm like, This is great. And you know, if we lost, that wasn't anything bad, and it wasn't yelling at anyone's faults, right, right, right? It was like, let them be kids and let them learn. And if they get upset or this that whatever, I was like, this is a great place for them to get that practice.

Brooke Schnittman: 55:21

Yeah, yeah, lots of great nuggets. And I know that you and I can go on forever here, but if you were to leave our audience with one, and this is the hardest question, and say, leave the audience with one thing that you think they need to hear before tuning out of this podcast. What would it

Unknown: 55:42

be? The one thing, if it's it's the adults we're talking to, it's to know that whatever you're feeling totally valid when you're frustrated or upset, whatever else. But if we kind of think of ourselves as parents, as also teachers and role models, it makes the job, if you want to call it that of parenting, easier and more pleasurable, because when you think of it as a teacher, the kid's not going to get 100% on his first math test before you taught him any of the math, but over time, they're going to get better at it, and Then you'll get to see the progress. So you won't judge yourself as the teacher on the first math test they got before you taught them anything. You'll judge yourself on at the end of the term or the end of childhood. Did I teach them everything they needed to learn? Can they function on their own? It's not as stressful, and it you won't be as hard on yourself, because it's not about, well, I they have to behave at the restaurant, or they have to do this, or their grades or that, whatever. If you shift the thinking to that, it makes it more enjoyable, because, you know, I guess you were a teacher too, right before your administrator. It's such a wonderful feeling to see your child struggle and learn and grow and then finally, make progress. I'm going to get like, emotional. Like, really makes me think where you when you see it in your child? Like, I have a child who has severe anxiety, where it's it's been debilitating, and we've had to go through some different paths, and when you see them make those gains and apply it, and you know, like, okay, like, I know I'm as a parent, you feel these feelings of guilt and like, what am I doing wrong? And you know, is this my fault? But I'm going to stay the course, and I'm going to really look at it from the perspective of, I'm not going to rescue I'm going to help them develop these skills and learn how to deal with it so they can feel empowered, and when they do, it's the best feeling in the world. So that's what I would leave everyone with.

Brooke Schnittman: 58:00

Thank you for sharing that my pleasure. Your children are lucky to have you know father who gets it

Unknown: 58:07

is I, you know, and they know like that is, and I don't know if it's partly my culture or religion, when I was raised, like, that's a privilege. Like, that's my privilege. But thank you for having me. I absolutely

Brooke Schnittman: 58:20

love doing this. Well, I loved having you. So, David, where can people find you? If they want to get your book, they want to find I'm

Unknown: 58:28

I'm on Amazon. I'm on Barnes and Noble, if you just put in raising future adults. So first one actually have a copy looks like this. Woo hoo. That's my name. I'm all over online. It's funny, they tell us professionally, like, you know, just make sure no one's like, stealing your stuff. Google search of your name, so LinkedIn, Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat, yeah, but Amazon just raising future adults. It's the first one that pops up.

Brooke Schnittman: 58:59

Thank you, David, thank you, Brooke. Thanks for listening to this episode of successful with ADHD. I hope it helps you on your journey, and if you need any additional support for you or a loved one with ADHD, feel free to reach out to us@coachingwithbrooke.com and all social media platforms at coaching with Brooke, and remember, it's Brooke with an E. Thanks again for listening. See you next time you.