SuccessFULL With ADHD

Empowering Neurodiverse Families with Elaine Taylor-Klaus

• Brooke Schnittman MA, PCC, BCC • Season 1 • Episode 70

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In this episode of Successful with ADHD, I had an enlightening conversation with Elaine Taylor-Klaus, a renowned thought leader in neurodiversity-informed coaching and parenting. Elaine, a master certified coach and co-founder of ImpactADHD and ImpactParents.com, shared her inspiring journey of raising a neurodiverse family while empowering parents and professionals worldwide.

Elaine opened up about the challenges and triumphs of parenting children with ADHD and other learning differences, emphasizing the importance of parent education and support. We discussed how she transitioned from struggling to find resources for her own children to becoming a guiding force for other parents. Elaine’s insights on coaching, emotional regulation, and fostering a growth mindset are invaluable for anyone navigating the complexities of ADHD.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus, MCC, CPCC, is a Master Certified Coach and co-founder of ImpactParents.com. She helps parents manage the challenges of raising complex kids through her online programs, Sanity School® for Parents and Teachers. An international speaker and author, Elaine has served as a parent adviser to the American Academy of Pediatrics and on the national board of CHADD (Children and Adults with ADHD). As a mother of three neurodiverse young adults, she advocates for neurodiversity inclusion in all areas of life. Elaine lives in Atlanta and is dedicated to improving the lives of complex kids and their families. Her books include The Essential Guide to Raising Complex Kids with ADHD, Anxiety, and More and Parenting ADHD Now!

 

Episode Highlights:

[02:27] - Elaine's journey of discovering her children's neurodiverse needs.

[05:13] - Navigating early parenting challenges and seeking support.

[07:20] - The turning point: finding the right help and discovering the power of coaching.

[10:57] - The impact of coaching on parenting and family dynamics.

[14:21] - Mindset matters: viewing ADHD as a superpower or a challenge.

[18:11] - Building executive functions and promoting independence.

[23:42] - Effective strategies for parenting tweens and teens with ADHD.

[29:22] - Balancing rewards, consequences, and fostering agency.

[33:17] - The ongoing dance of parenting: adapting to new challenges.

 

Connect with Elaine:

Impact Parents: https://impactparents.com/successfull - Get a free chapter from Elaine's book, The Essential Guide to Raising Complex Kids with ADHD, Anxiety, and More

Thank you for tuning into "SuccessFULL with ADHD." If this episode has impacted you, remember to rate, follow, share, and review our podcast. Your support helps us reach and help more individuals navigating their journeys with ADHD.

Want to be ‘SuccessFULL with ADHD’ by Activating Your ADHD Potential?
Order our 3x best-selling book/workbook for adults with ADHD ▶️ http://bit.ly/activateadhd

Elaine Taylor-Klaus:

You know, I remember looking around, it's like, my kid has dyslexia. My kid has ADHD. And that's all it was. And it's like, well, that's really nice if your kid falls into a nice, neat package, but I have to be honest, most what I call complex kids don't fit into a nice, neat package. My kid had medical issues, allergies, and like there's all this stuff. And so I needed something that would help me navigate whatever was coming up, because there was always something new coming up. And then I have this next kid who was diagnosed with dyslexia, which was totally different from the first kid who had dysgraphia

Brooke Schnittman:

Welcome to successful with ADHD. I'm Brooke Shipman. Let's get started. Hi, everyone, and welcome back to successful with ADHD with my friend and colleague Elaine Taylor class, who is a change maker and innovator and a groundbreaker, a voice for neurodiversity informed coaching, and a guide for adults supporting complex children, teens and young adults around the world. Elaine's a mom in an ADHD plus plus family of six. She's a master certified coach and an internationally recognized thought leader in neuro diversity coaching and parenting. And she's a co founder of the first global coaching organization for parents of complex kids, impact ADHD and impact parents.com. She's a trusted adviser to parents and professionals has trained 1000s of parents and certified hundreds of professionals around the world in neurodiversity informed coaching skills. The host of the parenting with impact podcast and author of several books. Her personal favorite is The Essential Guide to raising complex kids with ADHD, anxiety and more, which is the book she wished she'd had when she began parenting. Elaine is all about using neurodiversity and forum coaching essentials to empower families and professionals so that neuro spacey individuals can thrive and reach their extraordinary capacity beyond their challenge. All right, so I would like to know, Elaine is you have a family with ADHD years. I want to know how you got into helping people parent, ADHD years, like where did all of the diagnoses come from? What was your journey like, in raising a neurodiverse? Family?

Elaine Taylor-Klaus:

You know, I think the journey like so many families started with not knowing that I was raising a neurodiverse family and struggling with parenting and, and feeling lost. And you know, I've worked really hard to have these kids, they were very intentional, there was a lot of it was not easy to get there. And then it wasn't going like it was supposed to go, you know, the codec commercials were not showing up in real life. And I was really struggling. Starting with my eldest kid starting early, like weeks years, like two years old, we were already knew there was something that was challenging. And, and so and this is going back to the 1990s. But but the first official diagnosis came at, like four or five years old, which in those days was really unusual. So there was clearly we were struggling, I was struggling. I didn't know. So I had one kid who was clearly having trouble and when the next kid started also having trouble in school. And then the third kid came along and it was like, Okay, this is starting to feel really familiar. I laugh that I could no longer it's like they were getting diagnosed like dominoes, and I can no longer look at my husband say he was responsible for all of this neurology. Right. So

Brooke Schnittman:

I no more blaming the husband. You

Elaine Taylor-Klaus:

know, like he was it was it was definitely real, but it was just something wasn't explaining it. And I wanted to go back to school and, and do something to help other parents who are as lost as I was. Because in those days, there was a lot of support available for kids. But there was nothing available for parents. I mean, that's very different now, but there was nothing. There was an organization called Chad that had if you happen to be on the right side of town and available to have a meeting on a Tuesday night at 730 Then you could get some support. Otherwise there's just nothing available. And there's this new thing called the internet that was making it possible to get support differently.

Brooke Schnittman:

When was this how many years ago was this? I don't want to date you but no,

Elaine Taylor-Klaus:

it's fine. I'm I'm totally open with it. I figure ages a privilege denied many. My eldest was born in 94. And I started really looking for what can I do to help other parents and about 2005 2006 And initially, I was working with a nonprofit organization in Atlanta, and I was doing parent education and professional education, I created an education series locally.

Brooke Schnittman:

That's interesting that you were involved in parenting for an educational series, and you sponsored that, but you didn't even realize that you were gonna get into that with your own children.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus:

Well, by the time that happened, I was dealing with it with my own children. And so that was my way to try to get the resources I needed. Like if I invited speakers to come speak that I could hear them speak. That's great. Right? So So I was really, there was just so little available that I was I was a little bit grasping at straws and trying to put together what I needed. Because I had a kid who defined specific diagnosis. Like, you know, I remember looking around, it's like, my kid has dyslexia. My kid has ADHD. And that's all it was. And it's like, well, that's really nice if your kid falls into a nicely package. But I have to be honest, most what I call complex kids don't fit into a nice, neat package. My kid had medical issues, and, and allergies, and like, there was all this stuff. And so I needed something that would help me navigate whatever was coming up. Because there was always something new coming up. And then I have this next kid who was diagnosed with dyslexia, which was totally different from the first kid who had dysgraphia. You know, it was just, it was constantly changing. And it became clear to me that the, the central place for for managing the change, wasn't them. It was me.

Brooke Schnittman:

Right? Isn't that fascinating? Yeah. Did you know at that time that it was you that needed to make the change? Or did it take you some time to realize, yeah,

Elaine Taylor-Klaus:

that took a little while. I knew I needed help. Right? I knew, I knew it was falling on me. And in those days, my husband was early diagnosed, but we didn't know what treatment look like, I wasn't yet diagnosed. So everything was falling on me. And I just needed help. And I needed, you know, for awhile, I didn't need a therapist, I needed, I needed a Sherpa. I needed. I knew exactly

Brooke Schnittman:

what to do guide, right, help me.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus:

And so two things kind of happened simultaneously. For me. One was that my child psychologist, there were so many diagnosis that I went to her in tears. And I said, Where do I start? And she said, you start with a metabolic. And she sent me to a nutritionist who in DC, I live in Atlanta, who specialized in really complex situations. And within 10 minutes, she identified gluten and I this was so long ago, I said, What's gluten, and she told me and I cried. And we had psych testing being done at the time. So we were it was such a dramatic change so quickly, that we were able to do pre and post evaluation and, and things changed so much that she ended up in a book by this nutritionist about called the bipolar child who wasn't chapter was about my kid. Wow. So that was really dramatic. And then my husband, I also took him off gluten at the same time. And it was like this fog he lived, lived with all his life lifted. So we had this metabolic shift that made them receptive to treatment available to treatment, if that makes sense. And again, I do not believe that everybody who has ADHD should eliminate gluten didn't work for me. But But I do believe that sometimes if there's a toxic load, if there's something else going on in the system, it can make it difficult to really avail yourself of a proper treatment. So that was one thing that happened in about the same time. I was trying to go back to graduate school to help other parents and I went through the process I took the GRE is but to do that I figured maybe I should get myself assessed too. Right? Because all these kids had all these issues. And it turns out that I was diagnosed with with learning and attention issues in my early 40s. So that was a bit of a surprise, because I was a high achiever and I've been fairly successful and I kind of pushed through in my life. When I was diagnosed, I look back at my whole life made sense. Like there were plenty of signs but who knew in those days that women had ADHD? Who knew that high achievers had ADHD? Like it just wasn't enough? Now I knew where my daughter's dyslexia came from, you know, like it all started in the fact that you had to go to DC

Brooke Schnittman:

to find a specialist in the complexity of the ADHD.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus:

Well, actually, that was that was telephone and she wasn't ADHD. She was nutrition. Right? Okay. But still, but still, right? It was just the whole time like I look back on it. Now. There's so many more reasons. which is available for people and now. So think mid 2000, early 2000s. Now we start having this thing called the internet. Right? And so we went off of gluten and I want to say 2004. And by 2007, I couldn't find a graduate program that met my schedule with small kids. And so somebody directed me to coaching. And so I thought, Okay, I'll do this as a stopgap measure. So I can coach parents until I can go back to graduate school. And I went to my first coach training, and I called my husband that afternoon in tears. And I'm like, I found it. This is it. This is my calling this is because it was so clearly what I've been looking for. It was an modality that was empowering, and positive and, and looked at opportunity and possibility and it wasn't so deficit based and everything up until then had been about what's wrong, what's broken, what's missing?

Brooke Schnittman:

What do I need to fix, right? What

Elaine Taylor-Klaus:

do I need to fix. And I had these amazing kids who were smart, and creative and interesting and funny. And were pretty smart, and creative, and interesting and funny, you know, and they were not broken here. So exactly. And so when I discovered coaching, it was like, that became the modality and full disclosure, I am a Nutrition school dropout, I did try to go to nutrition School, which was not the right fit for me. But coaching very much was the way for me to begin to get my head around it. And then the bonus was when I became a coach, I became a much better parent to these complex kids. And it wasn't rocket science, it was better communication,

Brooke Schnittman:

right? That collaborative problem solving the listening, and I love how you also said that like coaching was your thing. There's just no I'm sorry to interrupt, but there's just so much to go into when you say that because with ADHD, yeah, you learned you had it in your 40s very typical now that women are seeing that they're diagnosed later in life. And with children with ADHD, we know and I know, it's more complex than that for your household.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus:

Well, for most households, really correct, yeah.

Brooke Schnittman:

But we know that by the age 10, you receive 20,000 more negative messages than a neurotypical. So for you to learn that as a coach, we're not looking to necessarily fix your life, we're not saying that you're broken, right? So you're working with the strength, you're working to empower your children. And them having you to help them at a young age is

Elaine Taylor-Klaus:

everything it was it was huge. And, and it was just, and it's funny, because my husband is now also a coach. He's an executive coach, and, and a couple of years into the journey, I turned to him. And I said, because it took a while for him to get on board with what I was doing. And I looked at him, I said, what, what happened, and he said, I just couldn't deny any more that what you were doing was working. You know, it was just it shifted the entire tone of our home, it shifted the way our kids saw themselves. And, and when I look at how it impacted my youngest child versus my oldest child, right, so my oldest child, by the time we really got into this was about 12. So there was a lot of not handling it well, before we learned to handle it. Well. My youngest was six, so he was raised in this very cocci environment. And the difference, they're very similarly wired in a lot of ways. But the difference with how they approach themselves, and the world is really different. And you can look at gender, there are all these other factors. I'm not I'm not making I'm not trying to say this is a research thing. But But the difference, his emotional intelligence and his capacity to accept who he is and how he's wired, from a very early age changes change the course of his life in so many ways, right? When you believe that you can, instead of when you believe that you can't, it's

Brooke Schnittman:

it changes everything. It's that growth mindset, right. That I think goes into the big talk about is ADHD a superpower or is it a deficit? Yeah, well, I think we know it's, you know, like, I believe if whatever I believe it is, right, so if I believe it's a superpower, then it's a superpower if I believe it's a deficit than it is a deficit. So your mind is so

Elaine Taylor-Klaus:

powerful mindset really matters. And then and then I have a middle kid who's now in medical school, right, with ADHD and anxiety and dyslexia. And so it's been a really rough path to get there. And her capacity to own it without self judgment, without self blame, to be able to acknowledge the deficits the challenge, let's call them I prefer challenges, the obstacles, the different ways in which she's wired that make it harder to, to be able to acknowledge it, get the accommodations she needs, ask for the help, she needs advocate for herself, without shame around it. But to see that she's got this amazing way of thinking and learning that really makes her an excuse gonna make her an extraordinary doctor. Right. And the compassion from having to overcome what she's overcome in her life will make her such an extraordinary doctor and the understanding that it's not enough to just tell someone to do something, that adherence medical adherence doesn't come from telling it, it comes from enrolling and inviting them and helping them find a path for themselves. Like when we have this next generation of doctors coming up, and medical providers coming up who understand what it was like to overcome those obstacles themselves without shame. What a difference that's gonna make, right?

Brooke Schnittman:

Yes, I just wrote an article today about my daughter. I finally booked her first dentist appointment. She She's two. Yeah. And her pediatrician understands ADHD, they specialize in ADHD and neuro divergence. So as an adult with ADHD, she's been telling me for months, okay, you know, by this time, you need to book her dentist appointment. So every time I go in, she goes to to book No, did you book it? No, literally, it's been a year. So our last appointment? She said, by her two and a half year appointment. I want us both to have her dentist appointment. But can we do that? Oh, I love that. And I said, Yes. And literally yesterday, it's been on the back of my mind, because you know, with ADHD, unless it's written down, or you actually have it scheduled to do, it's on the top of your mind, right? Like, it's just as important as everything else. And I booked it. And, of course, it didn't take very long. But we know that having someone in our community who understands ADHD, who understands we might need some external accountability, and supports that rather than shaming us is,

Elaine Taylor-Klaus:

yeah, yeah. And then, and then now you've got the capacity, because now it's booked, you can begin to prepare your daughter, you can begin to like, there's all this other pieces that make simple things in life a little more complicated. And that doesn't mean that they're impossible, or that you can't or that they're obstacles, it just means we sometimes have to navigate regular life a little differently. And

Brooke Schnittman:

that's okay. And that's the argument as a special as a previous special education teacher. Everyone needs an IEP. It's not just special education students, right? We all need to differentiate. Yeah, we none of us are in the same. Yeah. So why try teaching the same? Fast forward, how old are your children now.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus:

So my kids are now young adults, and that my youngest is 23. My oldest is almost 29. And now I have a daughter in law who's 35. So it's a whole different world. And so of course, now I do a ton of work with parents of young adults. Because what I've learned about my journey is I'm always supporting other people kind of on my path. And I think that's how I navigate my path is to, as I'm, as I'm getting my head around it, is to help other people do it too, because that's how I learned. And it's not like I'm some brilliant guru, who knows what they don't know. That's not what it's about, which is why I love coaching, I just understand the context of what they're dealing with. So I can kind of hold the space for them to figure out what they need to figure out and guide them. What

Brooke Schnittman:

about your kids at 23? And 29? Where are they as far as feeling empowered?

Elaine Taylor-Klaus:

Is it it's a really interesting question. Back to that, like the difference the 23 year old, doesn't know what he wants to do, but he knows he's going to find his path. Right? And I think he's, he's really clear on what I've always kind of said about him is I don't know what you're gonna do, but you always land on your feet, and he kind of knows that about himself. He'll figure it out. The 27 year old is is in med school and is on a path right doesn't know what kind of doctor she's going to be but she'll be a damn good one right? And the 29 year old has been really successful. Because they're an actor. And they got, they kind of hit it young at 18. So part of what happened for us is when we stopped trying to fit our kids into the box, we started meeting them where they are. This was a kid who was just not going to learn in a traditional environment very well, but they were amazing. And so they had a different path. And when we started supporting that path, they started being successful. So they've been very successful in their career as a young adult, the last couple of years between the pandemic and the right, and the actor strike has been really hard. So we're kind of in this place where they're rebuilding their confidence. But they've got a foundation to stand on. Right. And PS, they were recently, finally at long last diagnosed with autism as well. So

Brooke Schnittman:

I love how you said that, essentially, things aren't linear, but they have the foundation that you and your husband have helped them build an even as an adult, you know, as a coach, right? We can have all the tools, we can have the foundation, and we're still going to meet the challenge. And we're still going to fall on our face sometimes. But but we're going to rebound a lot faster. Because we have the community and the tools. Yeah, I like to look

Elaine Taylor-Klaus:

at it as spiraling forward. Like, it's not linear, but we do move forward, progress happens. But sometimes there are, you know, dips and valleys, and then you hit the high points. So I think we spiral forward in life. I mean, I think it's like what I have always said, since I became a coach is that what I want for the people who work with us, is to have what I call a bringing on attitude, right? Bring it on, whatever is coming at me, I got this, I want to be able to swing and know when to swing and when not to swing and feel confident in handling it. And that's what I want for the people who work with us. Because life's gonna come at us. Right? It doesn't, it's not some even smooth sailing. For most people, life's got dips and valleys and ups and downs. And it's complicated. We we need to not try to solve the problem, but to learn how to tackle and navigate the challenges as they come forward in life.

Brooke Schnittman:

Exactly. And that's also building executive functions. For us. It's building the executive functions for our children, if we're the heroes all the time for our kids, we know their executive functions are growing until age 25, sometimes, to say closer to 30. Right, so if we're being their Savior all the time, it's going to take them a lot longer to build those skills. Yeah,

Elaine Taylor-Klaus:

rescuing them is not is not what they need. They need us to be in a constant process of problem solving with them, then it's not so that parents become their kids coach, but it's so that parents have the skills they need when the kids want them. And you know, there are many times especially in college, or high school when my kids would call and, and I'd say what do you need for me right now? Do you need a mom? Do you need a coach? Do you need a poor baby? Like what do you need faculty and let them guide me in what kind of support they need, because that's how they get empowered to take to feel capable and confident.

Brooke Schnittman:

And that's hard to as someone who coaches or someone who's in a teaching mentor, therapy type of role to ask your child what they need and not try to solve it for them. And as adults, very often what we need from our significant others is just a near

Elaine Taylor-Klaus:

so true, or from our friends,

Brooke Schnittman:

I don't want you to solve my problem. Just listen.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus:

Like what I love about coaching is coaching is about being in a conversation with yourself. And when we talk about it when we're we process what's going on. That's how we figure stuff out for ourselves. Absolutely.

Brooke Schnittman:

Absolutely. And with ADHD, so many of us are verbal processors. So it takes us a while to get to our answer and if someone is saying you should do this or Oh, how about this are you stops you in your train of thought it can really stop you from feeling that empowerment. Question for you. Something I've noticed, especially in high school boys. I have a 13 year old who has ADHD he's very smart. I've worked with middle schoolers and high schoolers with ADHD I have the parent coaching training. I am a parent right I have ADHD all The things and I can't even tell you, as far as my experience and what I've heard from others, right is like how as a parent, and I'm curious with your methodology, what you do here? Do you empower your high schooler with ADHD or your, you know, your late middle schooler? Not become their Savior, but still make sure that they get what they need?

Elaine Taylor-Klaus:

It's a great question. They're kind of four key areas, probably the two most important things for parenting tweens and teens is one to manage the emotional dysregulation, consciously, ours and theirs to understand that that emotional dysregulation is there that it's real, that they're not being rude or disrespectful on purpose that they are. Like Jeff Kapur always says, talking to a teenager is kind of like talking to a drunk kid on the drunk kid on the Bowery. Like, you just can't, you got to understand that this is their brain on hormones, right? So part of it is, is not taking it personally, an understanding, and really downregulating right, managing the nervous system, managing your nervous system, helping them learn to manage their nervous system, don't try to problem solve with it, when anybody's triggered like, number one, rule of thumb is commit, make sure the whole family, right, and really do the work around your work around calm. We do tons of work with parents around managing triggers and hours. And there's so I think that's probably the first and then the second thing, I would say, it's really important to pay attention to the how the messages you've been sending all these years, probably unintentionally, around asking for help. Because as parents, we get really upset that our kids won't take the help we see they need. Right. But what's happening is when we see they need it, that's our agenda, not theirs. Correct. And we've probably been sending all these messages all these years, like you should be able to do this on their own. And then when they want to do it on their own, we say why don't you take our help, when in fact, we probably set the environment in motion to have them not want to accept help, because we adults are pretty lousy at asking for and accepting help. So that's I think the other place to really look is to be honest with ourselves about what are the messages we're sending. And instead of getting mad at them for not asking for help, look at what's in it for them and help them find their reason, their purpose that what's what's the value to them, and help them begin to see how it serves them. Instead of setting it as an expectation, because nobody wants to be should on and our kids need to be asked not told.

Brooke Schnittman:

Sure, I believe any communication needs to be done in a place of calm. And I also believe that we have to get to the root of the why of our concern, because we have a million concerns with our husbands, with our friends with our children. What are the important ones? I love the downregulating emotional regulation, I have a two year old as I mentioned, and we're working on that, well, it's

Elaine Taylor-Klaus:

funny, we tend to be really good with it with preschoolers, and then we kind of lose it when they get to elementary school.

Brooke Schnittman:

And with ourselves to treat ourselves like a baby. I say that all the time. Right. So once you have the emotional regulation in the front of mind, and you think about the messages that you're sending as a parent, right, you think about being speaking in a place of calm collaboratively problem solving all the things right. Generally speaking, you get more of a collaborative solution. However, I'm curious about your thoughts on rewards, and consequences expectations.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus:

So that's there's a lot in that question. Right. As you know, the most important thing is to set it up in advance so that people know what they're working towards. And rewards are per perfectly reasonable. If you don't, if a kid doesn't have another extrinsic, intrinsic motivation for something, and it's something they really need to get done, and they're not resisting it. If they're just having a really hard time activating or getting it done. External reward makes perfect sense. You want them to be part of creating what that reward is and you want it to be reasonable. You know, it's not you're gonna get a car when you turn 16th It doesn't have to be outrageous. That's not a reasonable reward. Who knows, but external rewards are valuable. natural consequences are effective when we articulate and identify them with in advance when our kids are part of identifying them. And when our kids are part of identifying what happens if you don't hit that, right? So, here's an example. I tried to make it really simple. When my son was in high school, I had a battle with the school, because he was a really bright kid who was really motivated by the teachers, he was motivated by it not, we know the story, right, of course, and there was a effective Wesson AP at the school, but effectively an AP History class he really wanted to take, and he's a real history guy. And he had had a bad history teacher, his freshman year, he was a first year teacher. And so he, you know, didn't get straight A's in history. And so they weren't going to let him go into this AP class because he had had, he hadn't had, right. And so I said, Let him in the class, and then let him prove the rest of this year that he can stay in that class if he keeps getting the grades this year. And they said, No, we're gonna make him get the A this year. And if he gets it this year, then we'll let him in the class. And it was just clear, they didn't understand motivation. And they didn't understand the way that an add kid needs to be motivated. Because if you do, okay, now, then we'll decide later was not going to motivate him enough because he didn't trust them, to let them in the class. But if they had said to him at the beginning, okay, you get to take this class, now you, you have to keep earning it worked his tail off. Right. So because then he would have had a piece of it, it would have mattered to him, he would have known while he was doing it, he would have trusted the process like. And so with these kids, particularly as they become tweens and teens, agency is really important. What we want to do is foster their sense of agency, we want to transfer ownership to them, so that they're beginning to take the lead, and we move into more of a support role. But then, oftentimes, what happens so we teach these four phases of parenting, in our Sunday school class. And often what parents do is that they direct direct direct, and then kids become teenagers, they start pushing back and parents go, Okay, fine, you do it, and they throw themselves out of it. And the kids are not set up for success, then they move in to, okay, you do it hands off with what they think as chess champion them, what they're really doing is waiting for their kids to fail. And then the kids fail, and then they come back and they say, See, I told you, and then they justify going back into director mode. And what our kids need as teenagers is for us to be dancing between collaborating with them and supporting them collaborating with them, let them take the lead and supporting them. And most of parenting, effective parenting with these kids is going to happen in those middle two places.

Brooke Schnittman:

Yeah, and I would say for any of the parent, thank you for that. That's really helpful. It's a dance, it's

Elaine Taylor-Klaus:

a dance,

Brooke Schnittman:

it's a constant dance, you think you're learning, you know, your kids, you understand everything, you're perfect. And then the next day, boom, hormone x, just hey, or you just got into a fight with your girlfriend and or

Elaine Taylor-Klaus:

they may have a capacity here, but not here. And so this one, they may be ready to do it all by themselves in this one, they still need your your collaboration. Exactly.

Brooke Schnittman:

And I think it's also important to know for us as adults, right? If we're getting coached, right? Change is not going to happen overnight. We know that right? So how do we expect that to happen for kids, and I had a recent client have a recent client who cares so deeply about her child, however, right? And is saying to the child, I want you to be independent, I want you to learn these things, right. And before the first meeting, I get a novel of an email that says he didn't do this. He didn't do that. He didn't do that. And we didn't get started yet. Like how do you expect change to happen, right, and I understand how exhausting and nerve wracking it can be to kind of take the reins off a little bit. But we do have to let our children with that damn well.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus:

And if we don't hand them the reins and let them practice it, they're never going to learn to guide themselves. And if if they know we're holding the reins, they're going to stop trying. Because why should I bother? If I just don't do anything? My mom's going to come back and tell me how many assignments I've missed. Why should I bother?

Brooke Schnittman:

Right? Yeah, that's great. So Elaine, you have courses, you have books you have coaching, what would be the best way and I appreciate this conversation. Shen as a neurodivergent parent is a neuro divergent coach, we'll get the best way for people to find you.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus:

Well, I think what we set up for your for your community is a free gift, which is a great way to kind of download something, get into our world see what kinds of resources we've got. So we've created a gift for y'all at impact parents.com/successful. And two L's, right. Two L's successful two L's. Yes. And it is a free chapter from one of our books, the central guide to raising complex kids with ADHD, anxiety, and more. And we have another book called parenting ADHD. Now, those are kind of our two key books. And we teach a class called sanity school. And we have group coaching, and we're doing a summit this summer, we got all sorts of great resources, and probably the best place to start. Is it impact parents.com/successful? With two L's success?

Brooke Schnittman:

Yes. Awesome. And with the couple of minutes that we have remaining, what would you say is your number one success tip for parents of neurodivergent? Children? Don't give me five. Number one,

Elaine Taylor-Klaus:

this is hard. Actually, it's, it's kind of easy, the change you want for them starts with you. Like, for real, you think if you have an hour to spend $1, to spend that you should spend it on them. And if you really want to help your kids, and I don't care if your kids are for 1424, or 44, however old your kids are, the place to start? Is is really with you getting your head around? How do I get myself my anxiety my everything out of the way. So I can be fully present to meet this kid where they are and help support them and what they need. Because if I'm in the way, it's about me, it's not about them. And parenting is actually about them, not about us. And, and so we've got to do our work to get ourselves out of the way we've got to get the support, we need to be able to do that effectively.

Brooke Schnittman:

That's so good. I love that. And I think any change always starts within the person, right? If we want to change our environment, we can't control what other people do. We can only control ourselves with awareness, with practical empathy, with the tools for communication with the understanding, right?

Elaine Taylor-Klaus:

What I like to say is you can't control what happens but you can control how you respond to what happens. Yes, and you can be reactive, or you can be responsive. And what your kids need is for you to be a conscious responder to whatever's going on. And that starts with you.

Brooke Schnittman:

Responsive, not reactive. Well, thank you, Elaine for coming on successful with two L's with ADHD Always a pleasure chatting with like minded colleagues go to impact parents.com forward slash success for the two L's to get Elaine's free chapter of her book.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus:

Thank you for having me, Brooke. I really enjoyed it.

Brooke Schnittman:

Thank you so much. Thanks for listening to this episode of successful with ADHD. I hope it helps you on your journey. And if you need any additional support for you or a loved one with ADHD, feel free to reach out to us at coaching with brooke.com and all social media platforms at coaching with Brooke and remember, it's Brooke with any Thanks again for listening. See you next time.

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Brooke Schnittman MA, PCC, BCC

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